I did not pass the bar. Days after the results came out, this lump in my throat still remains. I find myself still being ashamed when I look at my face in the mirror knowing that I have wasted one precious year of my life. By this time, I should have been planning my future already. But here I am back to square one...scouting for the most sensible law review center available in my area.
In skimming through various webpages that discuss about other people's ordeal (and triumph) over the bar exams, I came across a delightful blog by one who calls herself the "Bar Bitch." In one of her posts, she made an analysis of bar flunkers and generally, of people who go into law school..
The beauty of being able to say you're in law school.....and later saying that you have a law degree....and then having passed the bar is a whole hell of a lot of external validation.....and don't we all love that? And why not? People will assume you are a smart little fucker before you even open your mouth....just as they will assume you are a bottom dweller who wants to sue the entire free entire free world to line your pockets and figure you are morally bankrupt as well....that is what a lawyer does best right?
I don't need to convince people I'm intelligent, and neither should you, your intellect will likely shine through every time you open your mouth and also in knowing when to keep it shut....if they feel more comfortable challenging me because I haven't been admitted to the bar yet....well so be it....the fact that I haven't succeeded yet can hardly erase all the success I've enjoyed up to this point....it doesn't change the fact that I am still am bright, capable and a good debater....
Passing the bar will will mean nothing if we have no faith in our selves prior to that point......if you feel worthless without that validation of your ability, there is some serious trouble I suspect......I guess what I'm saying here is that none of has all the answers....and it's always ok to be honest enough to own up to that.....some of the most intelligent people I know are comfortable saying, I don't know the answer, but I can find out for you....
I thought her openness is just awesome. And every word she uttered rang very true. I just love "external validation." Who doesn't? I saw myself as an "underdog" when I entered law school. I was "old" (since most of my classmates were young, fresh graduates of their pre-law), "dumb" for having had a hard time always deciphering what those SCRA cases were all about, "poor" for not being able to afford those very expensive law books (hence I had to thrive on machine copies of those)..
Dwelling in those which shrunk my self-esteem, I have forgotten to cherish my other blessings. Yes, I have had my share of glorious successes in the past. Which is why my Mom thinks this failure did not make me less... Still, I have to grapple with self-esteem issues. The awareness that at one point or another, someone somewhere is laughing at my failure is enough to render me weak and unmotivated. How about all those years of enormous struggle? Have they all gone to waste?
But the Bar B*tch was right. There isn't any need for me to convince anyone that I am intelligent. What matters is I should be able to say/write the right thing when necessary -- or, as she said, "know when to keep my mouth shut." No amount of success can appease a discontented soul. One success will only lead to more dissatisfaction.
I still keep thinking about those lines from the novena booklet on "detachment." Oh how true indeed... Our greater and more important quest should be that journey towards self-acceptance...and detachment. Then, and only then, can we be truly at peace with ourselves. =)
No comments:
Post a Comment