Diminished

It’s been six days and she still hasn’t come home. We were never close. As a matter of fact, she seemed forever oblivious of my existence. Of course she knew me to be her niece.  But we never got to bond as an aunt-niece would.  Afterall, she and mom are just first cousins.  But you see, when we got news that she was among those declared missing in the devastation of typhoon Yolanda at Tacloban City, I sobbed.  A sharp and almost unreal pain hit me.  I could not believe I had a relative who was actually a victim…

Friday morning, November 8^th, she along with her husband and second child were still inside the premises of their family-owned restaurant located within the Tacloban City Airport.  She was reportedly on the phone with her sister at 5am saying the storm wasn’t as strong as it was first reported.  By 7am, she was on the phone again, this time to report that the winds and the rains were indeed strong.  But she didn’t seem alarmed or scared at all so her call did not cause concern.

Saturday afternoon, her sister in Manila received a call from my cousin, my Aunt’s second child, that they were already in Cebu having been rescued by some military personnel….and that his mother could no longer be found.

And that was it.  All the relatives have been informed and have been asked to fervently pray that Tita may have survived…

Days passed and still no news. And over and over and over again, the TV news showed how much devastation has actually occurred in the hardly hit areas – especially Tacloban.  Dead people are strewn all over the place.  The whole city has seven been declared unsanitary already because the decomposing bodies of the victims lie rotting beneath the pile of debris and garbage and have not yet been retrieved  by the authorities yet.  The whole scenario was chaotic, very much a semblance of the apocalyptic movies conjured up by some director/writer’s wild imagination.  Everything seemed unreal.

But my Tita still hasn’t come home.  Her husband’s last glimpse of her was on that Friday morning itself….as they waded through the flood waters brought by the storm surge.  He and their son were able to cling on to a sturdy post but Tita got washed away by the raging waters. 

To see her son’s post at Google Yolanda Person Finder breaks my heart.  I cannot imagine the feeling of having to look for a missing parent. 

But yes, others have lost their entire family.  Many still have lost many more relatives.  One thing I just realized though is that no matter how many loved-ones has been lost in that tragedy, a loss is still a loss.  It is painful --  achingly painful, and the lives of those who lost them is never ever the same again. For as John Donne aptly wrote:

No Man Is An Island

No man is an island,

Entire of itself,

Every man is a piece of the continent,

A part of the main.

If a clod be washed away by the sea,

Europe is the less.

As well as if a promontory were.

As well as if a manor of thy friend's

Or of thine own were:

Any man's death diminishes me,

Because I am involved in mankind,

And therefore never send to know for whom the bell tolls; 

It tolls for thee. 

John Donne

I am diminished by the lives lost in that catastrophe.  But for now, I could only hope, that anytime soon, I'll be able to hear the happy news that my Tita has come home.

Open Happiness!

“I-celebrate ta kabuhi ta, kay naka-survive kita kay Yolanda!”
(“Let’s celebrate our lives, because we survived [typhoon] Yolanda!”)



Lola Rosing (left), 88 years old, and Lola Mama (right)92 years old, are soo glad to have emerged unscathed after typhoon Yolanda (the strongest tropical cyclone on record to make landfall in world history) hit Iloilo at Signal Number 4 yesterday, November 8, 2013. They asked to buy them “Koks” (Coke) but they weren’t available at the store. (So we got them Sprite and Royal instead.) This is their happy little reunion. Their happy little celebration. And their indomitable spirits live on!

Serving Two Masters...

Today’s flag ceremony was sponsored by the X Department and cited the observance of the Values Month.  One of the chiefs of the agency was made to discuss which value she esteems highly and would like others to also demonstrate.  She answered, “hard-work.”  She then discussed the importance of hard-work in accomplishing the tasks on hand.  Hard-work, according to her, is what brought her to her present position as well as those who are also now serving their high posts in the agency.

I looked around to see if any of my colleagues shared the boss’ sentiment.  I hardly saw any nod of agreement.  And I understand why.

The past few weeks since I started working in this esteemed institution, I have been in shock. But my acculturation isn’t over yet.  I am torn between adulation, confusion, frustration, as well as disillusionment.   

My adulation for the agency stemmed from the fact that everyone in the office literally labors hard.  Unlike my previous exposure in the Judiciary where employees waste their while most of the time, our government agency truly consists of hard-workers.  They don’t have siestas here, hardly rest even during lunch breaks, and seldom engage in any chitchat.  Their office hours do not begin at 8am.  Neither does it end at 5pm.  They are mindless of the time when they work.  Many even sleep in the office and stay late doing whatever needs to be done.

But that is why I am confused…

I am confused because being government employees, my colleagues know that they don’t get overtime pay.  And yet, they work unmindful of the clock.  They even work on weekends.  I’ve been told that this while they are not being forced to work this much, they feel a strong sense of obligation nevertheless to work hard and finish their tasks as soon as they else, they will have compounded tasks.

Being such, my co-workers don’t get to spend much time anymore with their families.  Many mothers leave their children to the care of others, a nanny or a close relative who is their substitute.  And I am frustrated.

I thought a career is important because it is where a parent can earn subsistence to support his family.  But if a career becomes this demanding, will the financial (or even professional) rewards outweigh the neglect and absence that the family has to naturally suffer brought about by an unavailable parent?

I do not know well my colleagues yet.  I have no idea how they raised their children or if they are happy and content with their family lives.  But at this stage of my adjustment, I am already disillusioned.  I cannot comprehend how a mother can remain active, available, and responsible to her children and at the same time manage a “fulfilling,” successful, and “happy” career in this work environment.  True, one may lead a successful career, earn the respect and reverence of colleagues and the society, and even be recognized by the world as a model employee…but if she fails at her God-given task of being a good and responsible parent, will all those successes be enough?

I once remember someone saying somewhere that “no amount of success outside can compensate for one’s failure at home.”  I believe that with all my heart.  Even the scriptures warn that “One cannot serve two masters at the same time…” (Matthew 6:24). 

I do not wish to preempt anything.  I just wish to remain steadfast in my convictions.  So if time would come when I must choose which master to serve, I most definitely will choose the career where I will never retire, will never be promoted, will never be paid: that of being a parent.

She Won!

My sister won! Right when we thought her chance of getting included in the top seven was already dismal, our kabarangays proved us wrong. Spending only a meager sum of twenty-four pesos (PhP24)for her photocopied flyers, and given we don't have alot of relatives who could vote for her in the barangay,she was truly a less likely winner. Why others spent as much as 500pesos for each voter! But yes, she won... oh my God, she won! One hundred three people believed in her! One hundred three sincere votes of faith. One hundred three votes of confidence. Third out of fourteen! 
We'll all be right behind her as she fulfills her mission. 

To God be the glory!

Happy Fridays!

Now more than ever, Fridays have become my favorite day of the week. It is exhilarating to look forward to the 2-day(but this time, a 3-day weekend! hurray!) respite from work, to delight in the company of loved-ones, to enjoy the serenity of home, and to savor more of life’s little pleasures. 

Fridays make all the week’s rigors worth going through… 

Thank you Lord for Fridays!

Bureaucracy

Its been a month since I began my work as a full-fledged public servant. The acculturation process is slow, exciting, nerve-wracking and also, intimidating. But amid all the anxiety, confusion, fears, and negativity, I am happy to enkindle a budding sense of pride to belong to an agency that literally labors hard to further the causes of the hardworking Filipino. Lord, help me remain serene so that in everything I do, I may bring delight to You...

On Billy Crawford and Nikki Gil's Separation

But sometimes, it is in allowing someone to embrace our brokenness too 

that we become "whole.." 

Sometimes, it is in letting that one willing soul to help us 

pick the broken fragments of our self-worth 

that we start seeing a better version of ourselves. 

We maybe hurting that person, 

but being accepted over and over again, we are saved. 

Yes, sometimes, letting go seems the best option. 

But sometimes, holding-on Billy... 

to the point of unreasonableness, 

is the only way to go. 

My heart bleeds. 

But I still insist on happy-endings.

My Teacher, My Hero

( All rights reserved.  No part of this work may be used in any form without my consent. Copyright laws apply.)

What is a hero?  Who is your hero?  Some would answer, Superman.  Others would say, Jose Rizal.  Contrary to what many think, the best heroes are not found in books.  We meet them everyday.  They influence us in many ways.  They do things we can never repay. Now they hear what we have to say.

My mother always told us stories when we were kids. Those stories consisted of fairy tales, of adventures, and of fantasies.  But my favorite ones were those of heroes.  To me, heroic feats were more credible than the magic-carpet-rides, more impressive than wish-granting-genies, more captivating than palaces made of gold.  Heroes inspire, stir, and rouse us to doing better things, becoming better beings, and achieving higher dreams.

If mothers are called “ilaw ng tahanan,”  teachers should be rightfully called, “tanglaw ng lipunan.”  They bear the torch that illumines our minds - the light that dispels the gloom of hopelessness and ignorance. In a class that averages seventy, with mostly poverty-stricken students like me, my teacher still treats each of us dearly --  very much the same way my mother does to me.

In the most recent local and national elections, our teachers served without reservations.  Their sacrifices serving the populace entailed diligence, fervor, wit and grace.  For what could have happened if the country entrusted such a task, to the faint-hearted whom the wicked could easily attack?

Batman, Spiderman and Superman have common denominators.  They all have super-powers.  Unlike them, teachers are ordinary human beings like you and me, but their super-power consists of transforming the lives of many!

Teachers give shape to the society.  They give hope to humanity.  They make us thirst --- for victory, for knowledge, for self-sufficiency.   

We do not need another Rizal, another Bonifacio, or another Mabini to remind us that we are the hope of this country.  There is a Rizal in the eyes of our teacher who reports to school notwithstanding his domestic malady.  There is a Bonifacio in the teacher who attends to his students’ needs despite his meager salary.  There is a Mabini in every teacher who, amid his fears, despondency, or anxiety, treats each learner with enthusiasm, hope, and generosity.  Every teacher is a testimony, that this world has still so much hope in store for us, for everybody.

Every dedicated teacher who responds to the demands of his profession recognizes his accountability to God.  They protect us, they discipline us, and show us a visual representation of God.   

When a person decides to be a teacher, he is emulating the Great Creator.  Afterall, the Great Father’s Only Son was a teacher before He became our Liberator.  Thus, teaching became the most beautiful avenue, through which we get a better view -- of God.

               

In loco parentis.  That is Latin for the phrase, "in the place of a parent." When we are in school, our teachers assume responsibility over us “in loco parentis.”  Legally, this principle refers to the institution’s legal responsibility  to take on some of the functions and responsibilities of a parent. But for me, my teachers do not only stand in loco parentis.  They stand for all eternity affecting all facets of my being.  Because even after this phase of my education is through, my teachers’ influence will remain and continue to reverberate throughout my life the same way that One Solitary Life, who lived thousands of years  ago, does.

I will not live my life in vain.  No I won’t.  Because for once in my life, a teacher stood up for me.  Thus, I am forever changed. 

Mi magister, vir mea.  My teacher, my hero. 

On Being a Good Samaritan

Source

I was waiting for SM City to open when I suddenly had to pee. Since it was only a quarter before nine, the mall was still closed.  But the traveler’s lounge was already open.  Hurriedly, I went inside and politely (and gaily) asked the receptionist if I could use their comfort room very quickly. To my chagrin, she told me I can’t.  I thought I didn’t hear her right so I asked her again, “Miss, I really need to go and pee? Please? ” To which she wryly replied again, “Sorry Ma’am but the CR is exclusive for us and for those going to the airport.” I was aghast.  I swear my urethra almost burst! Nowhere in her expression did I see a streak of sympathy for a fellow woman aching to take a whizz.  There were only the two of us in there.  It wasn’t a busy time either and she was well aware there was no other available CR within the vicinity.  Should I have lied instead and told her yes, I was a “traveler” heading to the airport to legitimize my need to use their CR?  No, it was just not right.  I simply walked out the door sad – and hurt.

I was not left with a choice but to drive two kilometers back to the office.  I headed straight to the CR and consequently shared my disdain with my officemates.  Then, a realization suddenly hit me.  You see, earlier this morning, I was reading the story of the Good Samaritan (Luke 10:25-37).  I have read that story several times already but it wasn’t until I was rejected at the Traveler’s Lounge that I came to appreciate the significance of being a Good Samaritan.

The Samaritan and the victim were strangers to each other.  But what was with the Samaritan that stirred him to extend help (even going beyond  what he could afford to give)to a complete stranger? How often have I been a priest and a Levite too to others in need?  How often have I too deliberately refused to look, to take notice, to reach out to those in need?

I was a victim too needing some comfort when I sought the receptionist’s consent.  I wasn’t asking for too much either— only one that was prompted by a basic, human need:  to be relieved.  But that seemed too much for her --  or for me too.

It was contemptible for me to assume that it was alright for me to seek kindness when I myself hesitate to extend it readily.  Oftentimes, those who fall prey to me are my loved-ones.  Now all it took was a slapdash experience to awaken me into taking a renewed perspective in life.

I thank God for having stopped me by today to remind me that I should always endeavor to be kinder, gentler, and quicker to respond.  Afterall, I cannot be a good neighbor unless I become a Good Samaritan.

Now I should get to work and make sure the CR is always spick and span.  Anybody feeling the need to use it is most certainly welcome. ;-)

Illusion!

Someone lent me her Illussion! And my, oh my! I drooled!

Seven carats of gorgeous-ness! Whatta spectacle! 

Permission was granted to take pics.

Awesome ain't it? 

If only if i could afford it... Le sigh!

Le drool! 

One day soon, thou shalt be mine! 

(But for now, you'll but remain --- my illusion!)

A Summer to Remember

On the last day of summer, i stayed home and witnessed this amazing view of the setting sun. Truly, our lives consist not only of many challenging and difficult sunrises, but also of many happy, sublime, as well as triumphant sunsets. 

'Tis been a summer to remember. 

Lord, You are simply awesome! Thank you for my family.

Strike Two

The bar results for the October 2012 bar are finally out.  My best pal didn't make it.  Oh tragedy of tragedies.  Not making it for the second time around is more painful than not making it the first time.  I saw how much he studied.  Struggling to meet his study schedule while working at the same time wasn't an easy feat.  But in those four October weekends when he packed up his stuff to leave for the Bar Exam Sunday, he was incredible.

He attributes his failure to three factors only.  One, his lack of preparation as he was balancing a career and reviewing at the same time.  Two, too much distraction caused by uhm, his personal affairs. And lastly, it just wasn't his time -- yet.

I came to realize that no matter how seemingly prepared one is, there is still no way of being certain that he is already "prepared" for the bar.  I have had classmates who studied long hours every day until the bar month and yet, they didn't make it.  Did they study the wrong material?  Or did they not absorb what they read simply?  What could be the reason?

True, many of those who pursue law studies are just not meant to become lawyers.  As with any other profession, students pursue a course they (or their parents) badly want for them without realizing they potentials lie elsewhere.  Personally, I do not see myself being a non-lawyer.  Perhaps, mine is just a foolish hallucination for some but really, all that I could think of becoming was having that coveted “ATTY” to my name.  Yet, why does that seem sooo elusive?

My own review is painstaking.  I struggle every single time to get my eyes glued to the material i am supposed to cover -- to no avail.  I just couldn't focus!  I feel guilty because time is passing by very very swiftly and yet, I have not gone far in my studies at all!

Now issues are cropping up and there are more distractions coming along my way.  One thing, I am seriously contemplating about going back to a full-time career.  How terrible is that?  But I know of many who passed the bar while working at the same time so I guess, if luck is on my side, I will be able to make it too.

I need a serious contemplation.  Or perhaps, a firmer disposition.  I cannot spend the rest of my lifetime as a non-lawyer.  Yes, it does mean EVERYTHING to me.  Who was it who said, Ïf you want something you’ve never had before, be willing to do something you have never done before.”

I guess that sums it all up.  Afterall, in my most honest state of self-introspect, I know I just haven’t done my best -- yet.  So for as long as I remain indolent, my childhood aspiration will continue to elude me.

It does hurt to get a strike two.  And in my case, I so much dread a strike three.

Happy Heart's Day!

I couldn't ask for more. Being loved is the greatest gift of all. =)

The box contains little lovenotes and my favorite of which reads:

"When everything seems to be unfair, when all that you do is not appreciated, I'll take your hand and wipe away your tears, take you for a walk and remind you how special you are. If not for them, for me."

Yes, coz we all need a little lovin' sometimes. ♥♥♥

Blooming Flowers

...and i don't mean my name. =)

A few of my plants are abloom right now. 

Roses

Lilies

Pandakaki P

These are life's simple pleasures...

Daddy's Home

Yes. Daddy's home. Finally.

He left when I was eighteen. My youngest sister was only eight.  No third party was involved.  He just had to leave.

We were left to Mom who raised us to be "professionals." (In the Philippines, that's what they call ém who finished a Bachelor's degree course.)  'None of us quit school.  We were all able to finish on time.  Not everyone was lucky enough to land a coveted job right away but we were all lucky to find a supportive and loving spouse/ partner.  In many ways, we got lucky.  We got stable.  Without Dad..

The lines of communication between Dad and us (even between Mom and he) always remained open.  Which is why five years ago, Dad was able to visit us briefly and even witness the birth of my 3rd sister's first born.  But then he had to leave -- simply because he no longer had a spot in our lives.

Painful as it may seem but that was true. To this day, it is still a dilemma assigning him a spot in our lives. But that is so because the past many years Daddy wasn't here haven't been easy.  It was only because he NEVER extended ANY form of support towards us but because in our hearts, we knew that many of the horribly painful things that happened to us would not have taken place if Dad was just around.  I and my younger sisters fought many hard battles and everytime we did, we tried to imagine how easier better life would have been had Daddy remained.

But past is past.  We could not go back.  Things are different now.  When last Christmas Daddy announced he was coming to visit, we knew he wasn't leaving again anymore.  Age has taken a toll on him and we see how he has grown weak and frail.  When we confronted him what his plan was, he sobbed.  He sought forgiveness for having deserted us for so long. Something he's never done before (of Daddy was such a proud and conceited man!)  But in my heart, I know he was sincerely sorry.  We vented.  We ranted.  But yes, we also listened.  Then amazingly, all those years of resentment, vanished.  Each of us knew that we shouldn't let Daddy leave again.

Now Daddy stays with me.  Well, not really for good.  I and my sisters agreed to take turns in taking him in. Mom on the other hand is complacent.  After making things clear between her and Dad, after establishing their boundaries, Daddy now knows where he stands.  Mom has raised her daughters well so we harbor no ill-feelings for her decision not to take Daddy back.  He can of course still visit her once in a while.

Ah, our family's story is one for the books.  It is complicated, vexing, taxing, intriguing, and to a certain degree, maybe entertaining.  In this saga however, I am just glad we're all together now again.

I am so glad Daddy is home.  Finally. =)

For the first time in over twenty years,
I went to hear mass with the first man whose ever loved me.
My prayers did include the woman who never stopped loving me,
As my thoughts drifted to the five special girls who always stood by me.



Lord, thank you for my family. =)

18 months to Live

I just woke up from a dream. Its was nasty but everything seemed so real. In my dream, I was diagnosed with breast cancer and was told I only had eighteen months to live.

Eighteen months.

My first reaction was denial.  I could not accept being so sick and having so short a time left to live.  What was going to happen to my family? What about my plan to take the bar? Then slowly, as the tension eased, I came to realize that yes, death is inevitable. Mine was coming soon but that doesn't mean I should live as if I were already dead.

And so in my dream I decided not to reveal the matter to my family. I decided to go with my plans, review and take the bar as scheduled at the same time make the most out of my remaining moments on earth.

It was painful to realize how quickly time was slipping away and how much I wanted to do so much more in so little time.  The list of "i wish i could's" flooded my mind. Oh if only I knew my life would be this short I would have done so much more.

Then I woke up.

I looked around and checked if my breast had the lump it had in my dream.  No it didn't.  Thank goodness I was just dreaming.  And thank goodness I am not sick.

On the other hand, I thank God so much for having given me such a nasty dream.  Today is the formal start of my intensive review for the bar.  I am scared, I am anxious, I am frantic.  But in my mind, I tell myself over and over again that this is going to be my last stake in life.  I will have to do my best.  I will have to put in my utmost effort and work harder than I ever did before in my entire life.

The Good Lord has been kind enough to shower me with so many inspirations. But mainly, I find so much inspiration from my family.

Everything is falling right into its place. Thank goodness I don't just have eighteen months to live.

Amen.

On Making (and Keeping) My New Year's Resolutions (GOALS for 2013)

Like many people, i have had my own attempts at making (and keeping) my New Year's resolution.  But yes, very much like the others too, i have often failed.  This year however, I have decided to prepare and write down specific goals which I would like to accomplish by this year.  I refuse to call them now New Year's Resolution.  I would like to call them instead, my GOALS for 2013. Speaking of which, somebody somewhere suggested that when making goals, it is important to consider the following:

1) It should be time-bound. A goal which is not time-bound is bound to be wasted.  I could for example declare I want to lose ten pounds but if i don't set a time within which to accomplish that goal, I could be fooling nobody but myself.  Lose ten pounds when? In a month? In ten weeks? In a year? To be time-bound means to be right on track.  To see to it that every single day, I inch my way towards my goal.  That is the only way I could ensure to progress.

2)  It should be specific. To be specific means to set concrete standards within which to measure one's progress.  If my goal is simply to lose weight without stating in concrete terms how much weight i would like to lose and in how much time, chances are, I could also be going astray.  And that is not something healthy.  Specific goals help us assess our progress in as much as keeping time-bound goals keep on on track.

3)  It should be attainable. I wish to be a multi-millionaire by the end of the year.  This is a time-bound as well as a specific kind of goal.  But is this attainable?  For an ordinary employee like me, this goal is so far-flung.  Unless I am an entrepreneur now enjoying my what, 2nd or 3rd year in my lucrative industry, i cannot fool myself into believing that this aspiration is even possible, much less, worth-contemplating.  I am not sure if this anecdote is true but i once came across an article about the actor Jim Carrey.  Many years ago, he was a newbie actor fighting his way to earn stints in Hollywood.  With all his dues and bills piling up, he almost gave up.  But he did not.  Instead, he wrote a million-dollar check to himself, put it in his pocket and told himself, "This is gonna be may paycheck two years from now." He went on to act and yes, earned the million-dollar paycheck he resolved to get.  To this day, he is one of the highest paid celebrities in Hollywood.

With those factors to consider, I came up with the following list of goals for this year:

1)  Lose at least 20 pounds by the end of the year.  I have a simple plan.  Each month, I can only target losing about two pounds.  If I firmly hold on to this goal in mind, by October this year, I should have lost all the weight I want to lose.  That means being back to my ideal weight of atleast 120lbs. Come the merry months of November to December where I will need to eat up a lot, I will have conditioned my body already into eating only what I need.  Crossing my fingers on this as my excess weight is already taking a toll on my lower limbs, my heart, and my over-all fitness.

2)  Study (because I am taking the Bar Exams this year -- again) according to schedule.  (With emphasis on the latter part of that statement.)  To check if I'm on track, i have specifically made schedule for the topics and the coverage.  I never had a well-established (read: impressive) study habit and so I always ended up reading and drowsing off as I read. One of my former classmates who is now a lawyer suggested I make a detailed schedule (topics with dates/period of studying) to know that I am able to cover the topics I need to cover within a specific period of time.  Doing this will assure me I am doing progress in my review. I have already made the schedule. I wish to give myself a month to check if I am able to stick to my sked.  Otherwise, I will devise another scheme.

3)  Save at least two thousand bucks every month.  Yes,  two thousand pesos is measly.  But if I am able to set aside atleast two thousand pesos every month, it will mean I'd have 24 thousand pesosEs by Christmas! Now that should be enough put a lovely grin on my face come New Year, dontcha think? If I could save up more, well, so much the better.  But meantime, I only target PhP2k.  

4)  Write atleast three blogposts per week.  No, there is no specific length.  And no, there is no specific topic either.  I know I will be busy but blogging will have to be my respite.  I can write short notes to myself, poems, whatever comes to mind.  Yes, I can also do some reviews! I know i won't run out of possible topics to write about...hence, i resolve to write -- more..

For now, these are the few goals I have in mind.  I hope that by the end of the year, when I read back this post, I will be able to tell myself, "Job well done Cheng. Job well done."

Happy New Year everyone! =)