Blooming Flowers

...and i don't mean my name. =)

A few of my plants are abloom right now. 

Roses

Lilies

Pandakaki P

These are life's simple pleasures...

Daddy's Home

Yes. Daddy's home. Finally.

He left when I was eighteen. My youngest sister was only eight.  No third party was involved.  He just had to leave.

We were left to Mom who raised us to be "professionals." (In the Philippines, that's what they call ém who finished a Bachelor's degree course.)  'None of us quit school.  We were all able to finish on time.  Not everyone was lucky enough to land a coveted job right away but we were all lucky to find a supportive and loving spouse/ partner.  In many ways, we got lucky.  We got stable.  Without Dad..

The lines of communication between Dad and us (even between Mom and he) always remained open.  Which is why five years ago, Dad was able to visit us briefly and even witness the birth of my 3rd sister's first born.  But then he had to leave -- simply because he no longer had a spot in our lives.

Painful as it may seem but that was true. To this day, it is still a dilemma assigning him a spot in our lives. But that is so because the past many years Daddy wasn't here haven't been easy.  It was only because he NEVER extended ANY form of support towards us but because in our hearts, we knew that many of the horribly painful things that happened to us would not have taken place if Dad was just around.  I and my younger sisters fought many hard battles and everytime we did, we tried to imagine how easier better life would have been had Daddy remained.

But past is past.  We could not go back.  Things are different now.  When last Christmas Daddy announced he was coming to visit, we knew he wasn't leaving again anymore.  Age has taken a toll on him and we see how he has grown weak and frail.  When we confronted him what his plan was, he sobbed.  He sought forgiveness for having deserted us for so long. Something he's never done before (of Daddy was such a proud and conceited man!)  But in my heart, I know he was sincerely sorry.  We vented.  We ranted.  But yes, we also listened.  Then amazingly, all those years of resentment, vanished.  Each of us knew that we shouldn't let Daddy leave again.

Now Daddy stays with me.  Well, not really for good.  I and my sisters agreed to take turns in taking him in. Mom on the other hand is complacent.  After making things clear between her and Dad, after establishing their boundaries, Daddy now knows where he stands.  Mom has raised her daughters well so we harbor no ill-feelings for her decision not to take Daddy back.  He can of course still visit her once in a while.

Ah, our family's story is one for the books.  It is complicated, vexing, taxing, intriguing, and to a certain degree, maybe entertaining.  In this saga however, I am just glad we're all together now again.

I am so glad Daddy is home.  Finally. =)

For the first time in over twenty years,
I went to hear mass with the first man whose ever loved me.
My prayers did include the woman who never stopped loving me,
As my thoughts drifted to the five special girls who always stood by me.



Lord, thank you for my family. =)

18 months to Live

I just woke up from a dream. Its was nasty but everything seemed so real. In my dream, I was diagnosed with breast cancer and was told I only had eighteen months to live.

Eighteen months.

My first reaction was denial.  I could not accept being so sick and having so short a time left to live.  What was going to happen to my family? What about my plan to take the bar? Then slowly, as the tension eased, I came to realize that yes, death is inevitable. Mine was coming soon but that doesn't mean I should live as if I were already dead.

And so in my dream I decided not to reveal the matter to my family. I decided to go with my plans, review and take the bar as scheduled at the same time make the most out of my remaining moments on earth.

It was painful to realize how quickly time was slipping away and how much I wanted to do so much more in so little time.  The list of "i wish i could's" flooded my mind. Oh if only I knew my life would be this short I would have done so much more.

Then I woke up.

I looked around and checked if my breast had the lump it had in my dream.  No it didn't.  Thank goodness I was just dreaming.  And thank goodness I am not sick.

On the other hand, I thank God so much for having given me such a nasty dream.  Today is the formal start of my intensive review for the bar.  I am scared, I am anxious, I am frantic.  But in my mind, I tell myself over and over again that this is going to be my last stake in life.  I will have to do my best.  I will have to put in my utmost effort and work harder than I ever did before in my entire life.

The Good Lord has been kind enough to shower me with so many inspirations. But mainly, I find so much inspiration from my family.

Everything is falling right into its place. Thank goodness I don't just have eighteen months to live.

Amen.

On Making (and Keeping) My New Year's Resolutions (GOALS for 2013)

Like many people, i have had my own attempts at making (and keeping) my New Year's resolution.  But yes, very much like the others too, i have often failed.  This year however, I have decided to prepare and write down specific goals which I would like to accomplish by this year.  I refuse to call them now New Year's Resolution.  I would like to call them instead, my GOALS for 2013. Speaking of which, somebody somewhere suggested that when making goals, it is important to consider the following:

1) It should be time-bound. A goal which is not time-bound is bound to be wasted.  I could for example declare I want to lose ten pounds but if i don't set a time within which to accomplish that goal, I could be fooling nobody but myself.  Lose ten pounds when? In a month? In ten weeks? In a year? To be time-bound means to be right on track.  To see to it that every single day, I inch my way towards my goal.  That is the only way I could ensure to progress.

2)  It should be specific. To be specific means to set concrete standards within which to measure one's progress.  If my goal is simply to lose weight without stating in concrete terms how much weight i would like to lose and in how much time, chances are, I could also be going astray.  And that is not something healthy.  Specific goals help us assess our progress in as much as keeping time-bound goals keep on on track.

3)  It should be attainable. I wish to be a multi-millionaire by the end of the year.  This is a time-bound as well as a specific kind of goal.  But is this attainable?  For an ordinary employee like me, this goal is so far-flung.  Unless I am an entrepreneur now enjoying my what, 2nd or 3rd year in my lucrative industry, i cannot fool myself into believing that this aspiration is even possible, much less, worth-contemplating.  I am not sure if this anecdote is true but i once came across an article about the actor Jim Carrey.  Many years ago, he was a newbie actor fighting his way to earn stints in Hollywood.  With all his dues and bills piling up, he almost gave up.  But he did not.  Instead, he wrote a million-dollar check to himself, put it in his pocket and told himself, "This is gonna be may paycheck two years from now." He went on to act and yes, earned the million-dollar paycheck he resolved to get.  To this day, he is one of the highest paid celebrities in Hollywood.

With those factors to consider, I came up with the following list of goals for this year:

1)  Lose at least 20 pounds by the end of the year.  I have a simple plan.  Each month, I can only target losing about two pounds.  If I firmly hold on to this goal in mind, by October this year, I should have lost all the weight I want to lose.  That means being back to my ideal weight of atleast 120lbs. Come the merry months of November to December where I will need to eat up a lot, I will have conditioned my body already into eating only what I need.  Crossing my fingers on this as my excess weight is already taking a toll on my lower limbs, my heart, and my over-all fitness.

2)  Study (because I am taking the Bar Exams this year -- again) according to schedule.  (With emphasis on the latter part of that statement.)  To check if I'm on track, i have specifically made schedule for the topics and the coverage.  I never had a well-established (read: impressive) study habit and so I always ended up reading and drowsing off as I read. One of my former classmates who is now a lawyer suggested I make a detailed schedule (topics with dates/period of studying) to know that I am able to cover the topics I need to cover within a specific period of time.  Doing this will assure me I am doing progress in my review. I have already made the schedule. I wish to give myself a month to check if I am able to stick to my sked.  Otherwise, I will devise another scheme.

3)  Save at least two thousand bucks every month.  Yes,  two thousand pesos is measly.  But if I am able to set aside atleast two thousand pesos every month, it will mean I'd have 24 thousand pesosEs by Christmas! Now that should be enough put a lovely grin on my face come New Year, dontcha think? If I could save up more, well, so much the better.  But meantime, I only target PhP2k.  

4)  Write atleast three blogposts per week.  No, there is no specific length.  And no, there is no specific topic either.  I know I will be busy but blogging will have to be my respite.  I can write short notes to myself, poems, whatever comes to mind.  Yes, I can also do some reviews! I know i won't run out of possible topics to write about...hence, i resolve to write -- more..

For now, these are the few goals I have in mind.  I hope that by the end of the year, when I read back this post, I will be able to tell myself, "Job well done Cheng. Job well done."

Happy New Year everyone! =)