When Old Wounds are Ripped Open

I came home today to find a nasty remark posted in the FB wall of our relatives' group.  It read,

"I just noticed some people that were added to the group who I don't know. Please be mindful of who to add. This is not a group where any Tom, Dick and Harry can be part of. If you feel you need to introduce yourself please do so, otherwise I will demand from the admin to boot you out and send you to the moon. Yun lang."  

The remark came from a supposed cousin who is a prominent lawyer, a respected businessman, and a distinguished member of the society.  I've never met him.. In fact, I have never met all the 90+ members of the group--save for one "Ate" whom I have met a couple of times already... The rest are all strangers to me.

Seeing thus, such a nasty remark (although it wasn't clear if it was truly addressed to me), stirred my entirety.  My parents separated years ago (when I was 18).  My dad is from a far away province in Luzon while mom is from the Visayas.  We moved here when I was 5 and from that time on, I hardly knew anyone from dad's side of the family...furthered by they separation, 13 years after.

So when a cousin (the only one from dad's side whom I really, truly know), added me to this FB group of relatives (mostly cousins I was told), my paternal ardor was roused.  I thought it was a good way to start reaching out to that side of the family...

Until this...

Here are excerpts from that thread:

Original Post:

I just noticed some people that were added to the group who I don't know. Please be mindful of who to add. This is not a group where any Tom, Dick and Harry can be part of. If you feel you need to introduce yourself please do so, otherwise I will demand from the admin to boot you out and send you to the moon. Yun lang.

My replies:

Hello. I feel the "pasaring" hit me. It was primang XXXX who added me. My fullname is XXXX. Daughter of XXXX and XXXX. My dad is the youngest son of Lolo XXXX to Lola XXXX of XXXX City where I was also born. My father deserted us when I was 18 yrs old. I am the eldest in a brood of six daughters raised singlehandedly by my mother. Considering we moved here in XXXX when I was only 5yrs old, I hardly know relatives from dad's side. I have taken pride in being a "XXXX" (if only to honor our father) and have faithfully embraced that name by refusing to have any man give me a new one. I wonder if any of you here (save for Ate XXXX) knows my dad. (We hardly know him anymore ourselves). I have been mum all along, wary of everyone in this group because I admit, I DO NOT KNOW HOW I BELONG.. But since it was Ate XXXX who added me, and I admit I do yearn to keep intouch atleast with the XXXX-side of me, I lingered. I earnestly believed everyone here – was a relative. One day, I thought to myself, I’ll get to meet you guys, and we won’t be strangers anymore. I was trying to be modest.. the last thing I expected was to be ditched -- Or to read a “pasaring” as blatant and as hurting as this. Nevertheless, I realize everyone here is a stranger afterall. You have manifested it oh so bluntly 

But even strangers deserve some courtesy..

We have never denounced our dad, notwithstanding what he did. Neither have we closed our door to the XXXXes. Today however, our old wounds have been ripped open -- right when I thought, the scars have already erased the pain. That's the side of the XXXXes I will never understand -- when they treat "others" as lesser beings. 

 I and the rest of my sisters belong to the "others" who are unknown to you for reasons that were beyond our control. We did not cause this upon ourselves either... It hurts. But none of you, I understand, can sympathize with our pain. Yup, the admin may now boot me -- else i'll receive that very "unwelcome" tadyak. Goodluck. May the blessings of YOUR forefathers remain with you.

* The "tadyak" part refers to XXXX cousin's remark that he will not only have the "outsider" booted out but will also give the same a "tadyak."

I do not know why I am soo affected by his remark.  It was inappropriate, arrogant, and hurtful. I wasn't trying to create a mountain out of a molehill.  I just felt he/they need to know that people like us also exist -- unknown to the clan -- perhaps to remain this way forever --- But we are on this state not because we chose to, but because we fell prey to the circumstances caused by the sins of our fathers..

The Tale of a Papaya

A seed fell into the ground. And very soon, a shoot emerged. It was the most unlikely spot for a tree.  So when it was just a few weeks old, its tiny stem broke. I put it on a cast, albeit skeptical if it will survive.  But it did.  The little papaya grew.

Despite its uncertainty when it fell into the ground, the tiny life inside the seed emerged.  It was just the beginning of its arduous journey.  It grew on an unlikely spot where it was exposed to all sorts of inconvenience.  Nevertheless, it grew.  The tiny trunk which almost broke amazingly healed.  And as we dumped more dirt into it, the strong papaya continued to grow steadily towards the light.  Little by little, the faint papaya grew strong and sturdy. Its castigation continued.  It confronted many a storms, strong winds, and nonchalance.  But the meek papaya went on.

And then the flowers started to come..one by one by one.  The tiny buds clung to the trunk.  Determined not to fall, strong like their mother.  And after the many more rising and setting of the sun, those tiny little buds turned into baby papaya fruits.  The baby papaya fruits weren't perfect. Most of them are scarred in fact.  Seemingly to remind any beholder of the painstaking journey it took to come into being.

This is the tale of the Papaya (at our backyard).  It has been dumped.  It was broken.  And yet, despite its brokenness and haplessness it has emerged as a victorious, and beautiful tree.  It found its way out of the dirt that once hindered it from finding light.  And yet, it did not wallow at the heavy burden of that dirt nor succumbed to the atrocities of Mother Nature.

God must have been the one who nurtured it.  Perhaps to inspire me as well.  I was a tiny "insignificant seed" before.  I fell on the ground.  Rich and fertile perhaps.  But life's circumstances have twisted my frail spirit.  And giving up seemed like a more apt recourse.  But like this Papaya, I was not meant to be just another "dead tree."

I sought light and found my way through the dirt.  And yes, I grew and bore some fruit.  My life, like that papaya, is not in vain.

For many of us, we feel in the midst of atrocities, that giving up is the easier route to serenity.  But we weren't meant to be like that.  That one papaya seed which fell on the ground never expected it'd grow to bear these many fruits. But it did.  If it died, none of us could have known of its potential.

People come and go.  And its a pity how some lives just fade into nothingness without them realizing their full potentials.

I wish more people saw my Papaya and learn from its tale.  See it bloom and flourish.  And find inspiration from it.  The Ultimate Power that gave it life and brought out its bountiful fruits is the same Ultimate Source of our lives.  If He has blessed the life of this Papaya, helping it emerge through its difficulties, to give way to its fruits, establish its existence, and reaffirm its purpose, how much more for us, human beings whose image was made after His?  Now more than ever I am convinced, our lives aren't meant to be lived in vain.  Our worth is more than this Papaya.  And the tales of our lives are most certainly more beautiful and more meaningful that this.

Of Men and Mice

Guys like us, that work on ranches, are the loneliest guys in the world. They got no family. They don’t belong no place. . . . With us it ain’t like that. We got a future. We got somebody to talk to that gives a damn about us. We don’t have to sit in no bar room blowin’ in our jack jus’ because we got no place else to go. If them other guys gets in jail they can rot for all anybody gives a damn. But not us. (George to Lennie, Of Men and Mice, John Steinbeck)

I met a mouse in a barong yesterday.  At a glance, he didn't resemble a mouse at all.  He looked dapper in his outfit.  He held a leather briefcase, shiny, well-polished shoes, fresh haircut, and a very masculine perfume.  The guy was in his 30s.  He came late but strutted with confidence when he barged into the venue.He was the counsel for the plaintiffs in a case referred to me yesterday.  It involved a problem of four siblings suing their elder brother whom they claim to have robbed them of their inheritance.  They were men in their 50s. When they sat with me at the proceeding, they came with their lawyers.  The defendant's lawyer (not a mouse) was elderly... Perhaps in his 60s now, he still looked very dignified, warm, polite, and spoke in measured speech.


Much has transpired between the parties and I can only read through their statements.  Both plaintiffs and defendant were in so much pain.  They could even hardly look at each other.  My task as Mediator primarily entails that I seek any possible settlement without the parties entrusting the fate of their case to the court. The plaintiffs' sole concern was to get the property which is now solely under the defendant's custody.  They explained to me how their elder brother has tricked them into transferring the property to his name and how one thing led to another to the point that each party claims to have been harassed by the other's goons.


My chest was pounding as I was sitting there listening to them.  These are men who came from the same brood.  Honorable men in fact because one was a retired colonel in the army, another a politician, an accountant, a university president, etc...  But there they were hurling the most hurtful accusations they could muster against each other.   I asked them, "Has there ever been a time when you sat to discuss the problems with each other?  Perhaps confronting the real issues?"  Unanimously, they admitted that no such circumstance was given them in the past.  So I proposed, "What if we do that now?  Yes, we can revert this matter to the court and let it decide, albeit uncertain on whose side the court will favor..but if we do that... wounds will never heal.  In fact, deeper and newer hurts will arise because you allowed yourselves to be robbed of the chance to settle your issues amicably."  I gave such proposal in caucus.  With the plaintiffs apart from the defendant.  The defendant, being the elder brother that he is, conceded.  He wanted to talk to his younger siblings...  But the plaintiffs refused.


Because of their lawyer!


The plaintiffs' counsel insisted there is simply no point in trying to make the parties reconcile.  The case has dragged, according to him, and if I let them sit and discuss their issues, I might be putting myself in trouble (he probly thought I am just too frail to be between the clashing men).  The defendant's counsel on the other hand did persuade the elderly brother that yes, it is worth a try.  Perhaps, he said, it could be the first and only step to their reconciliation...


As expected, the Plaintiffs' counsel did succeed in convincing his clients that the more prudent recourse is to simply have the matter reverted to the court.  Being a mouse, he knows, if his clients' problems is settled, he will then be left scouring for other clients. I swear I wanted to punch that man's face right there and then.


I could not quite reconcile how some lawyers like that mouse manage to treat matters of their clients like ordinary business opportunities!  His clients and their opponent are siblings!  How could he allow, without any trace of sympathy and compassion, his clients to ignore their brother's attempt to break down the walls of indifference between them and finally put their grievances to rest?


It was a gut-wrenching and heart-breaking experience for me.  They were total strangers. Perhaps people I will never ever meet again.  But it did pain me so much to realize how some selfish, greedy, mouse dressed in a barong and whom everyone calls an attorney, make warring families shun peace and forgiveness.


Now you know why I call him a MOUSE.  Mice, unlike men, exist in a rat-race.  They are unfeeling.  Wary only of their personal survival. As George above aptly expressed, "If them other guys gets in jail they can rot for all anybody gives a damn." That mouse thrives in a rat-race existence.  And I confess, I pity him.  He is lonely and greedy.  He may have many clients, earn much and amass fortune, but he will always be a mouse.  Because he prays on his clients.  And deserted his humaneness.


The world needs men, not mice. The legal profession needs me.




P.S.  Pardon my immodesty.

She's a Nonagenarian!

Mama is my grand-aunt.  But we call her "Mama" because thats what everyone calls her.  My grandparents married young (both 19) and my grandma was Mama's youngest sister.  Grandma and grandpa's marriage produced 12 (or 13) children and mom was the eldest.  Being a young couple, they had no choice but to seek help from their siblings then.  So Mama volunteered to take care of my young mom while grandpa and grandma sought a living in a different place.


Mama is an extraordinary woman.  She supported herself and earned an Education degree in one of the most prestigious universities in our place (same school I eventually went to in college).  She became a public school teacher almost right after she finished school.  She was a beautiful lass and had many suitors but she would have none of them as she was ardent at supporting the education of her younger siblings.  Before she reached 30, she discovered a lump in her left breast.  That was the first test of her courage..  At the time when mastectomy seemed like an alien procedure (that was 1950's), Mama went thru the knife and had her left breast removed.  She survived cancer.


She spent the next forty years of her life teaching in various public schools until she came home to retire in her home town.  Her retirement did not signal rest.  She went on to take care of her aging mother (my great-grandmother) until the latter died at the ripe old age of 113 (in March 29, 1998).  After that, Mama faced another challenge of attending to her younger brother who died of cancer as a bachelor.


I have spent all my life admiring the woman she is.  As a teenager who never had suitors then, I would jokingly tell her that I never wish to marry because she, being single, seemed happier than my mom (who was left by my dad when I was in college).  She would always object insisting that I will make a good mother and wife someday.

She was to turn 90 on January 20th.  Something she's really been looking forward to.  In our place, retired public school teachers would always gather at each other's birthday and exchange pleasantries.  Each birthday party is considered an opportunity for the oldies to commune with each other and recall fun times, discuss trivial matters, and simply catch up on each other.  This year, Mama was the first in their group to turn 90...there are four of them, all born in 1921, who were looking forward to celebrating their 90th year..


Last Monday though, January 18, Mama was greeted by an unhappy news.  Her bestfriend, Mrs. S, fell in the stairs of her house.  Mrs. S must have had a bad fall.  She fell unconscious and was consequently confined at the ICU.  Mama felt terrible.  She was looking forward to spending her birthday with Mrs. S who was also turning 90 next to Mama (her birthday is Feb. 8th).  So ever since Mama heard of Mrs. S' accident, she had been praying for her immediate recovery...


Came January 20th.  Mama was radiant as a bride in her white dress and also in her green dress (the one she wore to church to attend her birthday thanksgiving mass).  I did her hair and make-up.  Despite her blurry vision, and weak resonance, she managed to flatter us by saying it was her best and most awesome birthday party ever.. if only her bestfriend, Mrs. S was there to share her happy day...


Little did she know that prior to the cheers, the camaraderie, and the celebration itself, we (my aunts and mom) gathered in a tiny corner to hear an unhappy news delivered to us:  Mrs. S passed away at exactly 1055am of that day.


So the guests starting arriving (it was a luncheon party)... we greeted them and whispered Mama still hasn't been told of Mrs. S's death... The guests all connived so there was no mention of Mrs. S....  But before the party ended, Mama reached out to my mom and asked... "Is it true?  Inday Oping (Mrs. S) is gone?"  Mom, sadly confirmed the info.


Contrary to what we expected, Mama still stood tall. As if unaffected.  But her eyes welled.  We who knew her, were certain that she was holding back the tears.  But none of those fell.


After the guests have gone, we talked to her and asked if she's alright...  She said yes, she is alright albeit very sad about the demise of her bestfriend.  We told her we were very scared about how she'd react.  And her reply astonished us:  "I am very sad but today is my birthday.  You have all worked very hard to make this day wonderful and memorable for me...  I do not want to disappoint you.   Her (Mrs. S') death saddened me yes.  But others need not know of my grief.  I have done this before, and will stay this way.  I will grieve alone so none could partake of my sorrows.  I only wish to spread joy -- to friends, but most especially, to family."


I wonder if any of us could live up to Mama's virtues.  Her grace, her composure, her courage, her beauty and purity are truly a rarity.  She is an epitome of virtue.  Now, as a Nonagenarian,  Mama is a legend. A living proof that amongst us, can rise, someone truly extraordinary -- even at 90! 

Of bags...and more bags...

Since my discovery of ukay-ukay treasures, I've been insatiable.  I know I promised myself in the previous post that I will try my best to control my spending right now so want-items are definitely a no-no...  but is there a woman out there who can honestly,and completely, and blatantly refuse a good bargain? Heheh.  Ok, so lemme be the exemption. ;-)


In order to justify my cravings (and spendings, as well..heheh) here are some of my newest discoveries. Since I began this passion with my discovery of bags (we can never get enough of them, can we?), I took a couple of more trips to UK (there's a fair right now going on where lots of Ukay-ukay stalls are open til Feb. 5th)..

Authentic Fubu in an excellent condition.  Leather strap, zipped closure.. Small enough to carry around but big enough to contain the essentials (phone, wallet, powder, lippies, comb).

 Love the zipper, love the material, love the color... Cost:  P150.

Black slingbag.  I'm no teener, but don't think this will make me look like a TH.  Especially because its in black. Can wear it with a floral summer dress...with a blazer and trousers, skirt and blouse..

its versatile, don't you think?

And i love its vintage-y look.

Flips open but has zipper before the main compartment. Cost: 100pesos

This one is also a steal. Practically looked new because there wasn't any flaw at all.  Shiny dark mahoganish brown.  Goes with anything...and its really very spacious.

I love the stylish strap. Seems sturdy even for everyday wear.  Cost: 250pesos

And this one's labeled, Hush Puppies.  Heheh..

Ooppss..took this one with a flash.  Sorry.

This baby is sooo pretty.  Its genuine leather-  and in pastel yellow! Cost: 150pesos

Black handbag..as big (or as small) as the Fubu .  Looks just enough for the essentials as well.  I love the details of the strap.  Very stylish.

The brand? Express Tricot.  

Impeccable condition.  Couldn't complain.  Cost: 150pesos.

Not sure about the brand of this one..but I fell inloce with it as soon as I laid eyes on it too..

Its as big as the Fubu and the Express but more spacious given two extra compartments on both sides..

Oh, not two extra compartments but three.. It has a tiny pocket in front that converts into a wallet.  The thing has slots for cards and coins... I love it!  Cost:  150pesos.

Six bags for less than a grand!  Its overspending because its way over my quota (hahah!) of new acquisitions for the month.  But I know if I didn't grab these, I'll be spending the next months of my life in regrets.


On a different note, these acquisitions taught me something:  I don't need pricey things to make me happy.  While brand new, and costly purchases boost my esteem, finding thrift items can bring a different dose of bliss.  Oh, the thrill of finding good finds and of haggling!  It's simply incomparable!  And my finds?  Oh, they're breathtaking. Heheh.

In the Face of Danger

Lastnight I confronted danger right before my face.. Was traversing a straight path along the busy highway when  a sedan emerged from the intersection...

...heading home..7pm, Jan.14, 2011..traffic was bad as usual in front of XYZ, cars went bumper to bumper...I was heading straight home coming from theYZ's exit near YYY.. That Honda Civic came from X..made a right turn.. The driver saw me heading straight but purged ahead nevertheless.. Then came the crashing sound...the impact was subtle.. Never expected he'd reach me...

 I felt the car shake -- the gentle crashing sound was enough to unnerve me.. For a few secs, I didn't know how to react... I was just scared... When I got down the car, I was even more horrified to see his bumper off...and his side almost crushed as it was against my right front door.. It was only then that I came to my senses... I sighed, thankful that the impact wasn't so bad... What if???

His car looked new..couldn't really figure the color-- Those who responded (all three policemen) who were right at the scene, were my former students. They recognized me at once when I got off the car. They knew I was very scared (I was close to tears!)... they tried to appease me and assured me it's alright.. What matters is nobody got hurt...

It was this close...

Were it a bigger vehicle, or one that ran at a faster speed, I cannot imagine what would have happened...

But thank God they were slow---and small--- and none of us got hurt...The driver was a mellow man in his 40s...he was driving his sister home.. Told me he couldn't believe he reached me... He had stepped on the break before reaching me, and thought it was rather impossible to hit me.. Told him, I couldn't believe it either... I was going along with the many other vehicles -- and yes, I saw him... But i thought he'd stop seeing I was in motion right in the middle of the intersection...

But thank God they were slow---and small--- and none of us got hurt...The driver was a mellow man in his 40s...he was driving his sister home.. Told me he couldn't believe he reached me... He had stepped on the break before reaching me, and thought it was rather impossible to hit me.. Told him, I couldn't believe it either... I was going along with the many other vehicles -- and yes, I saw him... But i thought he'd stop seeing I was in motion right in the middle of the intersection...

Before the vehicles were disengaged, I was unsure about the extent of my damage....

can't help but admire the built of this Pajero... Was told if it were any other car...the slightest impact could have wrecked havoc.

The strong stepping steel helped cushion the impact. To think that the Civic's left side was ripped. Save for their headlights which amazingly was undamaged.

The investigator explained to us the extent of the damages, both in his car and mine... Could not remember the details as he was mumbling -- but I remember him say, "fender skirt, bumper..etc.."But my God... despite my right door having lots of scratch and dent--- it was fine... While his, was close to a wreck.. The driver even told me they're scared they couldn't make the car work anymore after that... While they felt relieved I did not suffer much damage, they couldn't help but feel really awful looking at their car... That's the driver checking out where his bumper used to be..

In the face of danger, God reminded me that this life is His gift to me.. Vehicular accidents are always in the news -- claiming many lives, maiming many victims.. I would have been part of the statistics, but thankfully, not. I still shiver thinking about the incident. But my heart overflows with so much gratitude for the intercession of the unseen force that spared us from greater danger... Truly, God's ways are amazing.. I will forever be grateful.

Changing my Life

"If I change my thinking, I will change my feelings.. 

If I change my feelings, I will change my actions...

If I change my actions, I will change my life..." 

(- Messies Anonymous)

Yes, it's all about wanting to change my life.  I think people are in an endless struggle to change their lives.  There will always be an aspect in our lives that is beyond our control.  So we indulge in that endless conquest of trying to gain power over that - and more often than not, end up failing nevertheless.  Only to realize that the only things we have control over are the matters that are well within our control.


I have paranoia about people always thinking ill of me.  I know. Years have passed and by now, the healthy attitude would've been to start believing that their opinion do not matter anymore.


But as one gets older (ehem!) one realizes that immediate family members become extensions of themselves.  In other words, I can choose to disregard people's opinions but not at the expense of my family feeling hurt and/ or humiliated.  I can be tough and rough.  But my family -- 


Hence, I should always be cautious in anything I do.  Careful not to commit mistakes that could lead to disaster.


Hah!  What optimism.


I shall now undertake to change my thinking and focus on the good vibes this promising year offers.  


People are busy with so many other personal conerns--enough to be bothered by mine.  Then I should stop vexing myself with this useless paranoia.  Having a changed sentiment,  I should also start living it. How does a carefree, happy soul live?  Its about time I find out.  With a life changed, I should be okay.


But it all boils to down to it being easier said than done. Hahah!

Satiated

In my state right now of financial dependence, I am at anybody's mercy.  Yes. I am a beggar.  But a very wise one at that. Heheh. 


Being in this state has made forced me to consider minding only the essentials.  I should only buy that which I need.  By asking myself before each purchase if getting something I want will result to deprivation or satiation, I am able to discern whether or not to spend my precious pesos.  


Oh yes, it is a very tough thing to do.  Spending is any woman's favorite pasttime.  But the moment one realizes that money is truly hard to earn, parting with it also become harder.


I was in need of a black bag.. And I knew money was coming in just a few days before I spotted that very pretty bag.. I held it and was already on my way to the cashier when it hit me:  will I really suffer if I instead wait til I get hold of my money then spend it?  So, with all my will, I returned that lovely bag to the SA and headed home.


True enough, a couple of days after, my money came.  But I didn't buy the lovely bag at the mall. I knew I could get something like that but in a better quality if I instead head to the thrift shops -- and I wasn't frustrated..  I found these gorgeous bags for 200pesos each...

Both are in genuine leather.  The black one is authentic Nine West, the red one is unbranded.  Both are in excellent condition.  The black bag had two compartments. Fully lined with the main compartment having a zipped closure.  The red one is also oh so beautiful.  It has adjustable straps and two side pockets...one converting into a wallet with card and coin compartments, etc...  And its in the kind of red that I like..


Never in my wildest dreams did I expect to find such gorgeous purses at a fraction of the cost of new ones..  So my need was fulfilled an I was truly satiated.  ;-)

To the Year that Was and the Year that Will Be

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,

Courage to change the things I can,

And the wisdom to know the difference..

Living one day at a time;

Enjoying one moment at a time;

Accepting hardship as the pathway to peace.

Taking as He did, this sinful world as it is,

not as I would have it.

Trusting that He will make all things right

if I surrender to His Will;

That I may be reasonably happy in this life,

and supremely happy with Him forever in next.

Amen.

(The Serenity Prayer, Reinhold Neibuhr-1926)