That's how it feels right now. Although to contradict myself, I know success isn't about how I feel at the moment.
The results of my bar exams came yesterday and boy, twasn't very far from what I expected. But I was still shocked and deeply embarrassed nevertheless. And it got me thinking. I seriously need to reassess my goals.
Law school was so hard. But tackling the bar was even harder. I can present every alibi I could think of but I know none would suffice. The moment I resolved to take the bar, I know I should have prepared. I know I could not afford to fail. But I did. And it hurts like hell.
But who am I to question my fate? I know exactly what went wrong: I did not prepare well. Simply put, I wasn't ready. And while I screamed reluctance, I went ahead. Afterall, I've been told, "I CAN DO IT" the way I did in the past.
But the bar exams isn't like any other kind of exam. In the same way that the legal profession isn't like any other kind of profession. For many years now, the bar examiners seem to thrive in a "silent conspiracy" where the most that they allow to pass is only 30% (albeit rarely). Compare this with other licensure exams in the country: accountancy board had 40% of the takers pass, medical board exams almost 70%, and nurses' licensure exam had 41% passers. Those who passed the bar I took was a handful 20.26% only despite the lowering of the passing rate from 75% to 72.5%!
So what happens to me now? Honestly, I am still in quandary. I am pressed for time because for the first time since I took a leave from my job (when I was in my senior year at law school), I FEEL USELESS. And the feeling has gone from bad to worse when I didn't pass the bar and when the results actually came out.
So here goes I...
Reaching into nothingness.
Perhaps beneath this gnawing barrenness,
I will find my purpose again...
(I still wanna be a lawyer.)
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