My Commencement Address

Twenty-five years after I missed my own elementary graduation, I went up the stage as the commencement speaker. Twenty-five years from now, I wish the graduates I spoke to today will also be able to declare, "I am successful." - not because they have built a huge house, own a fleet of cars, receive a fat paycheck, or possess other superficial indicators of "success." I hope they will be able to say, "I am successful because I am happy with what I do, and I, being here, have made this world so much a better place than it was twenty-five years ago."

(Transcript of my 2015 Commencement Address.  

NO PART OF THIS PIECE MAY BE DELIVERED/REPRODUCED/COPIED WITHOUT MY CONSENT.  COPYRIGHT AND INTELLECTUAL PROPERTY LAWS APPLY.)

When I received the invitation to be your commencement speaker, I initially refused. It felt I am just an ordinary person who, by the society’s standard, has not accomplished enough to be proud of, to brag about, or at the very least, to bring my Alma mater pride. But Mrs. A__ who extended the invitation explained that you chose me not because I am an accomplished alumna but because I could inspire. 

Then I remembered my idol, United States’ first lady Michelle Obama’s message when she addressed the graduating class of Oregon State University in 2012 when she said, “Success isn’t about how your life looks to others. It’s about how it feels to you. Being successful isn’t about being impressive, it’s about being inspired.” So I accepted the invitation and I am here with you today, not because I am impressive – but because I am inspired. 

As you all know, my humble beginnings in this town started when our tiny family moved here from Bicol where I was born, I was only five years old then. My father came from a buena familia in Albay and as such, he never knew how to work. It was our mom who ultimately became the family’s breadwinner with the help of course of our kind-hearted second parents in our Lolo Cenon and Mama Paring. 

As a kid, I used to help my mom sell her yummy peanut butter around town, peddling at the tienda, municipio and even the streets of this tiny town. It was always a delight to come home afterwards with my measly income or a kilo or pork or beef which I bartered with a jar of peanut butter. My sisters, all six of us, have been trained to work and to live within our means not as child laborers but as joyful co-workers who helped our sustain our family’s needs. 

So how was the knowledge of commerce and trade help us in our adult life? Well in my case, I never really liked numbers (you can ask Mrs. Poli and Ma’am Salmo [my math teachers then) so I shied away from trade and commerce as much as possible. But those childhood experiences taught some very valuable lessons: I am not afraid of the streets. I am not afraid of people. I am not afraid to be poor. I can be self-sufficient. 

I was a freshgrad when I went to the University of _____ in ____ City to teach in college. I was 20 years old. Having graduated from _______University, I had a culture shock in _____. Aside from the fact that many of my students were rich kids, I was further intimidated by a few foreign-borne ones. I swear their English was impeccable, their appearances, thwarting. Just barely a week of being there I received the invitation to teach at the University of _____where I eventually chose to spend the first twelve years of my adult life as a college instructor. 

There I gained so many more life lessons which otherwise, I would not perhaps learned from teaching rich kids. Many of my students were a lot older than me. Such fact taught me to have deeper respect for those who struggle to achieve a degree notwithstanding poverty, marriage, a challenged career, and other personal issues. I had students who were house-helpers, police-officers, office clerks, security guards. Each had a story to tell. 

One of my most unforgettable lessons was in Speech Communication. I was explaining how essential communication is so I asked them how many of them kiss their parents, bless them, say sorry when they did something wrong, or “iloveyou” when needed. In a class of 50, there’s hardly five of them who do. Isn’t that sad? I had to ask them, do you ever give your mom flowers on their birthday? Even ones which you picked from their very own garden? Hardly anyone does. So may I ask you, dear parents who are here, what kind of home have you created for your kids? Do you think of them when they are in school? Do you pray for them when they are out of sight? Do you hold them when they are afraid? Because you see, I learned our children will never outgrow their need for us. Never. If we create a loving and nurturing environment for them, that tendency to spread love and compassion around them will remain all throughout their lives. We don’t need a tragedy to learn that love is all that matters and our family will always be there for us no matter what. So if there relationships that we need to nurture, it should commence in the family. 

I left teaching to explore other career options in 2010. I’ve been blessed to serve the Philippine Mediation Center where I sit to help conflicting parties who have filed cases against each other resolve their issues. My most difficult cases are those of siblings fighting for a parcel of land and have declared severing their ties for all eternity if their demands are not met. It makes me especially sad to think how children born of the same parents, who practically ate from the same table, came from the same womb, would be willing to kill each other for some parcel of land. 

Do you remember the Disney movie, “Frozen”? It’s also one of my favorites. You see I realized that like Elsa, I am blessed to have several "Annas" in my life -- my five younger sisters. Time and time again they have showed me "acts of true love." Maybe not the kind that Anna did in the movie to spare her sister Elsa's life, but my sisters have expressed great acts of valor, of compassion, of understanding, of acceptance and of forgiveness which perhaps, in my lifetime, I could never ever repay. I will forever be grateful to have them in my life...afterall, they are also my true loves! Dear children, do you love your siblings? If you do, always hold on to that. Remember the dreams you wove with your siblings when you were young, the little promises you gave each other so that when you are adults, nothing, especially materialism should ruin your ties. 

After I left teaching, I was also happy to pursue one of my passions which is writing. I do content writing online writing e-book or e-zine articles. One time, one very close friend requested that I write an oratorical piece for her student. Modesty aside, I have trained champion contestants and wrote winning declamation and oratorical pieces even as a teacher. So when this teacher friend attended the competition with her student who memorized the piece I wrote for them, they were shocked to hear that the very first contestant who was from another town was delivering the very piece which I wrote for my the representative of San Miguel! My friend, the coach, complained of course and found out that the student actually only got the piece from the web and chanced upon my blogpost where I published such piece! 

The bottom line is, they never had an idea that the post they got from the internet and which they presumably presented as an "original" for the competition was actually written by someone from their neighboring town of San Miguel – supposedly for the contestant representing San Miguel! Anyways, the matter was settled. I did not bother make a formal complaint anymore on copyright infringement despite my copyright warning on my site because the coach, the faculty of said school approached me as well as the staff of our highschool to formally extend their apologies. Good thing our contestant for whom the piece was made won and theirs, the copycat, didn’t. 

Now why am I sharing this with you? With the proliferation of technology and the very easy access to information which is right at our finger tips, people seemed to have lost respect already for the printed words. Please understand that anything you copy from someone, even those which you copy from someone else’s diary, or to the teachers, from your student’s composition entries, all those should be valued and esteemed highly. When we lose respect for other people’s outputs, other people’s efforts, other people’s creativity, we lower our standards and treat everything around us with mediocrity. Nothing anymore becomes special, or spectacular. So what is left? A jaded existence. 

When I worked with the Department of Labor and Employment, there was an employer who came to the office complaining why they must be compelled to pay the minimum wage for their employees who have not even finished high school (or elementary). I was handling their case so consequently, I faced them. The minimum wage is 284pesos but they only give 100pesos to their employees. Their establishment was clearly violating the minimum wage law. Given that they intentionally picked elementary graduates only, they believed it’s unfair to include these “inferior” workers from the minimum wage bracket given their “inferior” qualifications. I was flabbergasted! How does one change another’s notion of fairness and equality? The minimum wage cannot even decently support a family of four, or of three, or of two! Do “unaccomplished” people need fewer meals in a day? Require lesser roof above their head? Lead lesser lives? 

Ladies and gentlemen, bigotry is a disease. And indifference is man’s most serious affliction. Sometimes when we feel we are supreme above others and treat the rest as lesser beings, priding in the thought that we are more successful, more powerful, more blessed, we wake up to realize we are afterall living a miserable life. True success isn’t about having everything. It’s about wanting everything you have. It’s about extending what you have. It’s about seeing a piece of yourself in everything you extend to others. 

My dear friends, I wish twenty five years from now, these graduates will be able to say, “I am successful.” Not because they have built a huge house, own a fleet of cars, receive a fat paycheck, and possess other superficial indicators of success. I hope these kids will be able to say “I am successful because I am happy in what I do, and I, being here, has made this world is so much a better place than it was twenty five years ago.” 

Congratulations my dear graduates, parents, and may we all lead good lives henceforth.

2015: The Best is Yet to Come

The best is yet to come.  I am embracing that.  This year I will once again undertake a journey towards the fulfillment of my childhood dream.  I made my countdown, drafted my schedule, and now brace myself for the longest, toughest year of my "pre-attorney" years.  I will take the bar and pass it.  That is a promise to myself.


The new year brings so much optimism and zeal.  I hope this enthusiasm will sustain me throughout the difficult months ahead.  You see, I am going back to square one: pretend I am a freshman law student who will be meeting all the legal concepts/terms/methods/etc for the very first time.  I shall be dusting off my books, appraising my reading materials, and maybe scouting for new ones in the process of my acquaintance.  It's been five long years since I left law school and the measly legalese I have earned in those four long years have seemed to eluded me completely already. 


I look at my former classmates who now joyfully engage in legal practice and console myself with the thought that God's delays are not His denials.  After all the frustration and heartaches I have had, I still hold in my heart this fervent belief that I was meant to be called an "Attorney." 


Mama is one of the first few people who motivated me so much to pursue my dream.  She is now gone but I feel that she still wants me to persevere.  While I might have felt slightly discouraged when she died with me still uncertain when and how I could pass the bar, the many years she spent praying for me to reach my dream should be enough to prompt me to never ever give up.


And of course, I still have my family beside me whom I wish to honor with whatever achievement I can further attain in this lifetime.  I do not wish for fame or glory.  But by becoming the best version of myself, I know that I will bring them honor and pride.


So like the New Years past, I now gather all the courage and inspiration I could muster and brace myself for the come-what-mays.  And I kneel down in complete surrender to the Great Creator to once again take charge and direct my path to wherever He wishes me to go. Afterall, He is the Only One I wish to please.


Happy New Year virtual friends!  See you around!

Plagiarism

Plagiarism is a serious issue. When you copy someone else's words/ideas and claim such to be YOUR original work, you better be sure you can get away with it.

Last Friday, a very close teacher-friend who was a coach in an Oratorical Speaking Contest discovered that the competitor's speech was lifted verbatim from the speech I made for her (my friend's contestant) and which I posted on my blog. This morning, I had the opportunity to sit and talk with the coaches from that competing school and learned that their student's speech was indeed lifted from my blog. They admitted not having exercised due diligence to double check where the student took the piece begore letting the latter memorize and deliver it in the competition. All is well that ends well and our issues have been resolved.


But that would have been the subject of my first case on copyright infringement. However, as a teacher myself, i have a soft spot for teachers too. I just had to emphasize how important it is to value other people's work. Even those of strangers we find online.

The point is, none of us should underestimate the text we find on the web. When you post status messages for example which you lifted somewhere else, thinking it isn't necessary to attribute such line/s to its original author, you are in fact, stealing. Words, with all their syntax and idiosyncracies, deserve respect. Especially if they did not originate from you. If we must coexist in peace, we must learn to recognize that words (and ideas) have source. And their source must be acknowledged, respected.

Thank you friends (you know who you are), for valuing my work and what I do. I am super glad to have such conscientious (and alert!) friends like you! Hahah!

'Til then! See you again! 

In order to be Happy

A batchmate dropped by Mama’s wake and as courtesy, I obliged myself to entertain her.  Then, bluntly, she began to sneer at my being single insisting that I’m likely a loser because unlike my younger siblings who are now all married, I am not yet “settled.”

I was flabbergasted. For a while, I was completely unable to say anything.  It was my first time to be brusquely berated on the basis of my “failure to find a spouse.” 

It didn’t matter that my paycheck is a lot bigger than hers, or that i have a graduate and post-undergrad degrees attached to my name, or that while I may be advanced in pounds, I am not inferior in looks (modesty aside), or that I have gone places, published several manuscripts, spoke in huge engagements, trained champions, sent my sisters to school, adored by hundreds of students when I was a teacher or that I am doing something noble right now…

Oh God, none of my accomplishments matter.  None!  And it’s all because I am a woman who still bears my father’s name. 

Ironically, we were speaking at the wake of one exemplary woman, my own dear grandaunt, who, despite being single, has lived a full life! She was never married but she bore her father’s name with pride.  For while she never bore kids of her own, everyone loved her like their own mother. Afterall, she was everyone’s “mama.” She was never bitter nor resentful.  Always forgiving, always understanding.  And she loved our imperfections perfectly.  She embraced her single-blessedness completely and devoted the rest of her life loving the people around her unconditionally.  Perhaps she would have accomplished more had she married.  But it was the fact that she was single that made her more dear and lovable.

My “happily married” batchmate probably feels a strong sense of supremacy over me because unlike her, my sisters, or the majority of my female batchmates, I am still single.  But, if truth be told, do single women like me have a choice? I mean, seriously? Can we take the initiative and ask out any man we like to marry us if only to “escape” singlehood? 

Not many people realize that marriage isn’t for everyone.  And that while normally, a woman my age should already be a missus, I am not abnormal. I am just unique.  For while I take delight in seeing my sisters bask in marriage bliss, I, like my Mama, still feel blessed. 

I just wish people could stop nurturing negativity by dismissing the notion that one needs a hubby (or a wifey) in order to be happy.

Dumped

I got dumped…again. For the Nth time, I am amazed I still haven’t gotten used to the feeling, the pain, and the bitterness. It took me a long time and lots of hoping ‘n praying I’d find the one destined for me. I sought the help of friends and family members to help me seek the one who would stay and who’s also into long-term relationships. One who would be willing to stick it out for me through and thin. One whom I could also love and cherish and adore – and be proud of. One who’d stay with me until my golden years and take along wherever I go and watch my child grow and…perhaps be my soulmate?

But it isn’t a man I seek. It isn’t love either. All that I yearn for is a trusty, reliable, honest, and persevering --- kasambahay. I want one who would be with me on a long-term basis. I was seriously hoping for a “for-good” kind of term. I was definitely willing to give her all that was necessary to keep her --- provided of course that she’d give me what I deserved.

And so I thought I fin’lly found the ONE. Approximately forty days ago, she came into my (our) lives like a dream come true. The first few days were slow as we attempted to get to know each other better first. Yup, we tried to decipher each other’s personalities, preferences, and behavior. Each and every day there were “minor” bouts of shoddiness but I consciously and willingly ignored those thinking I was just being judgmental – again. Then on Monday night, she dropped the bomb. She was leaving me --- too.

I was appalled. Her pronouncement was something I least expected. Not at this time when I have just showered her with gifts (and happy moments) just last Christmas and not when I am about to leave again for a week-long seminar out of town. Gosh. Her announcement was painful, offensive, and totally unexpected.

Of course I sought an explanation. She first revealed she’s already “tired” with all the tasks I’ve assigned her to do. I asked which task exactly overwhelmed her. She didn’t elaborate but pointed out instead how bad she feels everytime I scold her or call her attention over something (she claimed “trivial”).

For the first time I didn’t know what to say. I was stupefied. (Definitely not in a positive way.)

I thought I was doing well. I thought I was being kind, patient, understanding, considerate, cool, persevering, timid..but no. She made me feel I was none of those.

I have made a routine of her expected daily tasks which I posted on the ref door. Those tasks are something I myself perform when I don’t have a helper. Since we got her, she has never completed any of those enumerated tasks. I didn’t mind. Occasionally I would call her attention to details like having to clean the ref to constantly check on food which are to become stale soon. Well, she never did. She only cooked what she felt like. Her stews are always too salty and so I asked her to forego the salt when she uses Magic Sarap to avoid putting in excessive salt in the dish – only to be told that she’s frustrated that I don’t like her cooking.

But yes, perhaps I have had unfair demands against her. I expected her to be efficient when efficiency isn’t everybody’s skill. I have expected her to be spontaneous when I myself am a scatterbrain. I expected her to employ her “common sense” whenever doing even the most trivial task when she is just getting to know our household.

But I am still bothered and perplexed that she called me a blabbermouth. It was a description I just couldn’t take. It only meant she understood none of what I said. All those bantering and hearty-talks meant nothing to her because all that she recalled were the moments when I was mean to her.

This incident taught me a few helpful insights though:

1) I can never please everybody all the time. At first I felt bad about my kasambahay’s nasty remarks but come to think of it, why would I let someone like her murder my self-esteem? True, initially she made me feel like I was the worst criminal who ever walked this part of the planet..but heck, I know that isn’t true. Her statement, her opinion, her standards DO NOT DEFINE ME. Therefore, why must I get affected? Even good people “get dumped.” It’s a reality we all need to contend with.

2) The rule of thumb still applies: always treat others the way you want to be treated. But – there’s a catch right there – do not expect other people will always return the favor. Hence, we better be prepared by anticipating the unlikely.

3) A kasambahay is a want – not a need. I will not be miserable without a kasambahay just as many households thrived and became happy and prospered without a kasambahay doing all the house-chores. Others have done it. So can I. If I find one who will want to stay for keeps, Imma lucky gurl. Otherwise, I’m still a lucky gurl!

So yes, I got dumped by a kasambahay -- again. But I am still alright. My worries are non-existent and everyday can only get better,

Serving Two Masters...

Today’s flag ceremony was sponsored by the X Department and cited the observance of the Values Month.  One of the chiefs of the agency was made to discuss which value she esteems highly and would like others to also demonstrate.  She answered, “hard-work.”  She then discussed the importance of hard-work in accomplishing the tasks on hand.  Hard-work, according to her, is what brought her to her present position as well as those who are also now serving their high posts in the agency.

I looked around to see if any of my colleagues shared the boss’ sentiment.  I hardly saw any nod of agreement.  And I understand why.

The past few weeks since I started working in this esteemed institution, I have been in shock. But my acculturation isn’t over yet.  I am torn between adulation, confusion, frustration, as well as disillusionment.   

My adulation for the agency stemmed from the fact that everyone in the office literally labors hard.  Unlike my previous exposure in the Judiciary where employees waste their while most of the time, our government agency truly consists of hard-workers.  They don’t have siestas here, hardly rest even during lunch breaks, and seldom engage in any chitchat.  Their office hours do not begin at 8am.  Neither does it end at 5pm.  They are mindless of the time when they work.  Many even sleep in the office and stay late doing whatever needs to be done.

But that is why I am confused…

I am confused because being government employees, my colleagues know that they don’t get overtime pay.  And yet, they work unmindful of the clock.  They even work on weekends.  I’ve been told that this while they are not being forced to work this much, they feel a strong sense of obligation nevertheless to work hard and finish their tasks as soon as they else, they will have compounded tasks.

Being such, my co-workers don’t get to spend much time anymore with their families.  Many mothers leave their children to the care of others, a nanny or a close relative who is their substitute.  And I am frustrated.

I thought a career is important because it is where a parent can earn subsistence to support his family.  But if a career becomes this demanding, will the financial (or even professional) rewards outweigh the neglect and absence that the family has to naturally suffer brought about by an unavailable parent?

I do not know well my colleagues yet.  I have no idea how they raised their children or if they are happy and content with their family lives.  But at this stage of my adjustment, I am already disillusioned.  I cannot comprehend how a mother can remain active, available, and responsible to her children and at the same time manage a “fulfilling,” successful, and “happy” career in this work environment.  True, one may lead a successful career, earn the respect and reverence of colleagues and the society, and even be recognized by the world as a model employee…but if she fails at her God-given task of being a good and responsible parent, will all those successes be enough?

I once remember someone saying somewhere that “no amount of success outside can compensate for one’s failure at home.”  I believe that with all my heart.  Even the scriptures warn that “One cannot serve two masters at the same time…” (Matthew 6:24). 

I do not wish to preempt anything.  I just wish to remain steadfast in my convictions.  So if time would come when I must choose which master to serve, I most definitely will choose the career where I will never retire, will never be promoted, will never be paid: that of being a parent.

Happy Fridays!

Now more than ever, Fridays have become my favorite day of the week. It is exhilarating to look forward to the 2-day(but this time, a 3-day weekend! hurray!) respite from work, to delight in the company of loved-ones, to enjoy the serenity of home, and to savor more of life’s little pleasures. 

Fridays make all the week’s rigors worth going through… 

Thank you Lord for Fridays!

On Making (and Keeping) My New Year's Resolutions (GOALS for 2013)

Like many people, i have had my own attempts at making (and keeping) my New Year's resolution.  But yes, very much like the others too, i have often failed.  This year however, I have decided to prepare and write down specific goals which I would like to accomplish by this year.  I refuse to call them now New Year's Resolution.  I would like to call them instead, my GOALS for 2013. Speaking of which, somebody somewhere suggested that when making goals, it is important to consider the following:

1) It should be time-bound. A goal which is not time-bound is bound to be wasted.  I could for example declare I want to lose ten pounds but if i don't set a time within which to accomplish that goal, I could be fooling nobody but myself.  Lose ten pounds when? In a month? In ten weeks? In a year? To be time-bound means to be right on track.  To see to it that every single day, I inch my way towards my goal.  That is the only way I could ensure to progress.

2)  It should be specific. To be specific means to set concrete standards within which to measure one's progress.  If my goal is simply to lose weight without stating in concrete terms how much weight i would like to lose and in how much time, chances are, I could also be going astray.  And that is not something healthy.  Specific goals help us assess our progress in as much as keeping time-bound goals keep on on track.

3)  It should be attainable. I wish to be a multi-millionaire by the end of the year.  This is a time-bound as well as a specific kind of goal.  But is this attainable?  For an ordinary employee like me, this goal is so far-flung.  Unless I am an entrepreneur now enjoying my what, 2nd or 3rd year in my lucrative industry, i cannot fool myself into believing that this aspiration is even possible, much less, worth-contemplating.  I am not sure if this anecdote is true but i once came across an article about the actor Jim Carrey.  Many years ago, he was a newbie actor fighting his way to earn stints in Hollywood.  With all his dues and bills piling up, he almost gave up.  But he did not.  Instead, he wrote a million-dollar check to himself, put it in his pocket and told himself, "This is gonna be may paycheck two years from now." He went on to act and yes, earned the million-dollar paycheck he resolved to get.  To this day, he is one of the highest paid celebrities in Hollywood.

With those factors to consider, I came up with the following list of goals for this year:

1)  Lose at least 20 pounds by the end of the year.  I have a simple plan.  Each month, I can only target losing about two pounds.  If I firmly hold on to this goal in mind, by October this year, I should have lost all the weight I want to lose.  That means being back to my ideal weight of atleast 120lbs. Come the merry months of November to December where I will need to eat up a lot, I will have conditioned my body already into eating only what I need.  Crossing my fingers on this as my excess weight is already taking a toll on my lower limbs, my heart, and my over-all fitness.

2)  Study (because I am taking the Bar Exams this year -- again) according to schedule.  (With emphasis on the latter part of that statement.)  To check if I'm on track, i have specifically made schedule for the topics and the coverage.  I never had a well-established (read: impressive) study habit and so I always ended up reading and drowsing off as I read. One of my former classmates who is now a lawyer suggested I make a detailed schedule (topics with dates/period of studying) to know that I am able to cover the topics I need to cover within a specific period of time.  Doing this will assure me I am doing progress in my review. I have already made the schedule. I wish to give myself a month to check if I am able to stick to my sked.  Otherwise, I will devise another scheme.

3)  Save at least two thousand bucks every month.  Yes,  two thousand pesos is measly.  But if I am able to set aside atleast two thousand pesos every month, it will mean I'd have 24 thousand pesosEs by Christmas! Now that should be enough put a lovely grin on my face come New Year, dontcha think? If I could save up more, well, so much the better.  But meantime, I only target PhP2k.  

4)  Write atleast three blogposts per week.  No, there is no specific length.  And no, there is no specific topic either.  I know I will be busy but blogging will have to be my respite.  I can write short notes to myself, poems, whatever comes to mind.  Yes, I can also do some reviews! I know i won't run out of possible topics to write about...hence, i resolve to write -- more..

For now, these are the few goals I have in mind.  I hope that by the end of the year, when I read back this post, I will be able to tell myself, "Job well done Cheng. Job well done."

Happy New Year everyone! =)

Why Not?

Just because it ain't Valentines anymore doesn't mean I can't get any more flowers, can I? But perhaps, 'tis why my tears fell when I received this...

It's not my birthday. It's not Valentine's Day. We weren't fighting.  So why this?

I was told, "Why not?" Then I sobbed.

0309

Thank you Lord for this day..


Thank you dear Father for making this day
really, truly, special...
Eight years ago,
until forever.


This world,
because of Him,
is so much better.

In Retrospect

When I was a young child, I had lofty dreams.  I dreamed of a grand wedding, of a nice house with a huge garden, of an enormous library filled filled with the books I want, of a chic law office...  Of a law office.  I have always wanted to be a lawyer.  I cannot remember how young I was when I started day dreaming about being a trial attorney -- defending especially women's causes.  Thirty years after, here I am.   Sadly, none of those childhood dreams have come true yet.

Next week, I will be a year older and those dreams have not much changed.  So two nights ago (yes, just two nights ago), I made up my mind. I decided that I will keep inching my way to reach those childhood dreams.  Thanks to that inexplicable, unfathomable Power/ Force that roused me from a state of despondency.  So while I'm at it, I will persist.

At this point, I do not yearn for much anymore, save for that last item in my list.  That of being a lawyer.

No time to lose.  On with the fight.  I've a battle to win.

Dared to Bare

Last summer was truly a memorable one.  My family and I were able to literally savor the essence of summer because we were able to frolic under the sun.  First we went to Bora (will discuss the trip more in another post).  And boy, oh boy, I jumped at the opportunity to do that which I have always wanted: wear a two piece bikini. Heheheh..

Yup, in my entire lifetime, I have never--as in never-- dared to bare that much.  True, I've tried to be in the appropriate swimming attire whenever I am at Bora or at the pool (even at home when I lounge at our outdoor jacuzzi) but NEVER have I mustered enough guts to be seen in a two-piece attire. And yes, oh yes, its definitely something I have been wanting to do.

So what exactly happened to me you wonder? Heheh.. I got inspired! I am following a blog of two wonderful ladies, Dana and Stacy.  They call their blog PLUMP.. Its a wonderful blog filled with alot of powerful insights for women who feel inferior because of their size.

Check our their latest swimsuit photos of their trip to Amanpulo... 

Here's Danah...

Source

Source

And here's her twin sister, Stacy...

Source

Source

To say that these two are gorgeous is an understatement.  They are amazingly awesome.  And I adore them soo much I dared to bare too...

I must admit being in a two-piece made me self-conscious at first.  But it was really fun.  I still giggle everytime I remember my bikini... And yes, I'm glad I dared to bare.. Heheh. ;-)

I got Caught!

.

The LTO got me. Gave me this.  And I am never the same.

I was cruising the highway aboard my motorcycle round 530pm when, upon the intersection frequented by the LTO officers, I was apprehended.  Usually, when it happens, I am not at all worried.  I have prided myself in procuring my license and registration papers (the usual cause for violation especially among those who ride a motorcycle).  So I thought when the LTO officer asked me to pull-over, it was nothing.

I got ready to present my license and papers but...Wasn't he supposed to ask for those first?  So why didn't he?

Then he said, "Please step on your breaks."  Immediately, I sensed something was wrong. Then he said, "Ma'am your breaklights don't work.  I have to charge you for this offense."

For a moment, I didn't know how to react.  Break what?!?  I didn't even know what those were!  He went on to explain those are supposed to light up everytime I step on the breaks.  For a moment my mind went blank and I swear I didn't know breaklights even exist!  

But they do!  It was violation number 23 and I was told I'd have to pay about 1300PhP as fine.  My heart wanted to burst.

I signed the receipt and fled.  And yes, as soon as I sat, my tears fell.  I was driving my scooter and my tears fell non-stop.  At the next intersection, there was another checkpoint.  When I was asked to pull-over, I took out the receipt issued by the LTO and burst further into tears...

The police was probably surprised to find my actuation and asked what happened.  He understood.  I was just soo humiliated.  He smiled and let me go.

After a couple of days, I was able to get my ticket and paid the corresponding fee.  Such incident has made me realize that anybody is susceptible to a traffic violation.  It can be a most embarrassing occasion for some but nevertheless, it humbles us further.

Nobody can reign supreme over the law.  Not even an honest, ignorant innocent, well-meaning, and well-prepared motorist like myself. =P

When a Stranger goes Overboard

It was 230am.  I decided to drive this stranger home since my uncle who was his friend was already too drunk to drive. I never thought that guy would turn out to be an a**hole. He seemed pretty decent earlier.  Only seconds after he took the front seat, he started acting strange.

Since he only lived a few blocks away from us, I managed to stay calm knowing that if I could not put the situation under my control, i could always scream for help and the entire village would be awake. Just as he was about to grab me from the driver's seat, i jolted and announced someone from their house was out to meet him.

I was shivering out of fear and disgust.  Still, he remained in the car for a few more secs trying to figure what he wants perhaps.  Slowly, he got off and I swear i could have driven away immediately if not for the car engine which died on me.

The guy was grinning a devilish grin and to me, it seemed he was enjoying the fear and anxiety he sensed.  Yes, even when he was drunk and I was totally sober. 

I got home shivering but unscathed.  I burst into tears and immediately told my mom and  uncle about what happened.

From what it seemed, it was pretty trivial.  Nevertheless, that few seconds close encounter with the devil in a man left me several lasting realizations.

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One, my self esteem isn't as strong as I thought it is.  For a moment I felt totally like a j*rk thinking what if the guy gets back at me and tells me I was never his type?  I am fat, old, and ugly. There was no way a guy like him would be attracted to me.

On the otherhand, I thought, even if I happened to be the ugliest, lamest b*tch to walk this earth, that was no reason for anyone to violate me. Neither is it an excuse for anyone at all to transgress me.

So yes, my self-esteem may be way below average but that guy is still a jerk.  Any man who treats a woman less doesn't deserve any sympathy.  Might as well vanish from the face of the earth.

Second, I am susceptible to harm.  Not because I am a woman who lives alone for the most part.  But mainly because this world is filled with bad guys -- just as it is filled with good.  Meaning, I have to always be on guard.  If there's impending danger, I might as well avoid it or muster enough courage to thwart it, at the very least.  I am that guy did not succeed in doing me harm but he did succeed in instilling in me a stronger sense of awareness.  He lives only a few blocks away from us.  I should never be complacent.

Third, I should master some kind of self defense.  I have always proclaimed my lack of skill in handling a weapon but yes, I sleep with a knife and a 9mm - which I never knew how to manipulate.  My sister suggested I should get a baseball bat in the bedroom at least.  A knife's range is shorter, a baseball bat's is longer.  But knowing how to aim and fire the 9mm is always essential.

This is real life.  It's about time I should learn target shooting.

Jesus be my Guide and my Guard.

I did these to Him!

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If there weren't images, it'd be very hard to imagine 

the kind of suffering that He underwent.

And here I am complaining, griping, 

whinning about how trivial things castigate me.

When ironically, 

the reason why He suffered this much is because of me!

..wishing i were a kid again...

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Sometimes I wish I were a kid again

So I can stay in my Mother's arms

She can fight my wars for me

And finish what I began.

the Jinx that is upon UP

...or should it be, "the jinx that is upon me?" =)

I am still jealous of John Gabriel Pelias and of all other UP grads. It is because I have always wanted to go to UP myself.  But there always seemed to be a jinx somewhere...

When I was about to finish elementary, I was the only one from my batch (there's about 200 of us) who passed the UP highschool admission test.  But Mom told me it would be very costly for me to attend UP highschool since we live far from the UP campus.  When I was about to graduate from highschool, I again, took the UPCAT.  And from again, I was the only one who passed (my other classmate was wait-listed).  For the second time, I didn't go on with it for "more practical reasons."  So when I was already teaching, I planned on going to UP again for my Master's... and you can guess again what happened.

But I didn't give up.  When I finished my Master's I went on to study law -- no not at UP of course (for more practical reasons) -- but planned on reviewing at UP again.  For the fourth time, I didn't make it.  My hopes and dreams of going to UP didn't materialize...

I guess mine is a case of wanting that which I do not have.  For many Filipinos who come from the lower bracket of the economic hierarchy, going to UP is the only chance of availing a good kind of education.  But to me, such a quest has been as elusive as finding an eligible bachelor interested in marrying me. Sigh!

Many of my friends went to UP.  And I have had relatives who have been there too.  Some have managed to excel in their fields and I am here left wondering if their success can be attributed to the exposure, training, and education that their prestigious Alma Mater has bestowed upon them...

Sigh.  I still wish to wear their sablay. 

Whatta Coincidence!

I realized just now that my parents are Joseph and Mary! Dad is Jose Francisco and mom is Mary Sarah. I am amused at the coincidence -- at the same time bewildered. Imagine, after 33years, I found this out just now? Tsk. Tsk. But wait, Mom, Dad, were you always unaware too? heheh... 

On the otherhand, wasn't Jesus crucified when He was 33? None of us was baptized Jesus but I am now 33! Heheh..

Loser

I promised myself sometime ago that I would do everything I can to resist from yielding to unhappy thoughts: thoughts that corrupt, thoughts that castigate, thoughts that rob me of a sense of well-being.  But ever so often, I fall pray. 

It's about time I embrace this truth. 

Right now, I feel as if I have lost my sense of direction.  My spirit is crushed.  My heart is in a wreck.  My mind is in a total quandary.  I'd like to proclaim myself guilty of being completely nasty, of having proved all abominable charges against me, true.

I am a loser. I am a failure.  I was told this state won't last forever.  Whom are they kidding?  At this point in time, I don't find hope anywhere I turn.  I feel numb.  I feel dirty.  I feel ugly.  

Please don't dare try to invalidate my feelings by saying anything right now.  Don't dismiss my lamentations either...

This is but an attempt to ease the pain of scourging...don't push me down further by uttering another word...don't.. else I just might pull this trigger!

Loser.-------->      :p

One Special Nail



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I met a special nail

I know not where it’s from

It fell in the middle of the road one time

And waited for me to come.

Then I did.

My rear tire found it.

And unto it, it clung and was buried deep.

Making sure I'd pause and notice it,

And my so-so journey, halted.

In life, there'd be special nails waiting for us to trip on.  A few nails would succeed in wounding us superficially.  A few would be tolerable.  And one or too, can hurt us very badly.

Those nails are special because we aren’t the only ones journeying in this life.  And yet, by some sheer chance, that one nail reserved for us, finds us.  Then we are changed – if not forever, at least momentarily.

I have had my share of nails in life.  But I realized none of those nails can compare to the nail that was intentionally made to be used to fasten the limbs of God’s own Son upon the cross – that was especially built also for Him.

I whine about my “crosses” and “nails” when the life I now live is far from being “miserable” compared to the life of that one man – who wasn’t even supposed to live like a man because He is God’s Only Begotten Son.

Lord, thank you for stopping me to remind me I have much to thank you for in my life – nails and crosses included.