For Whom the Bell Tolls

John Donne couldn’t have said it any better in his poem, "For Whom the Bell Tolls."

No man is an island,

Entire of itself.

Each is a piece of the continent,

A part of the main.

If a clod be washed away by the sea,

Europe is the less.

As well as if a promontory were.

As well as if a manor of thine own

Or of thine friend's were.

Each man's death diminishes me,

For I am involved in mankind.

Therefore, send not to know

For whom the bell tolls,

It tolls for thee.

Any man’s death diminishes us.  But more so if we know the person who just died. Such death leaves some inexplicable sense of hollowness which sears our spirits for quite a while.

Image courtesy of This

The death of the three OFWs in China left such an effect on me.  I was most especially sad for the families they left behind. I felt for the young children who will have to live the rest of their lives without their other parent anymore. I also sympathized for the mothers and fathers who have to face the ordeal of unveiling their anguish for all to see.  I feel sad for seeing so much sadness and sorrow…

But on the other hand, I’d like to think Ramon Credo, Sally Ordinario-Villanueva, and Elizabeth Batain  are in a much better place now.  After languishing many years in prison for the crime they were charged, their pains are finally ended.  They are now free from any more suffering, any more sorrows.

Death does that to us.  It frees us.  It liberates us.  While it may leave a deep and lasting pain to the those who love us, it nevertheless strengthens them. 

From This

I’d like to believe that no death is untimely.  Because everything happens for a reason.  Although deciphering such reason may sometimes take a lifetime for some of us.  There is always a reason.  Such is the mystery of life. 

Death is painful.  But life remains worth living.

Remembering..

On this day, fourteen years ago, Lolo Cenon died. It was my (and my younger susters') first experience of death.  He has long been struggling with cancer (of the lungs) but when he breathed his last on the evening of March 29th, 1998 we still found ourselves grappling with the reality of his passing. 

Lolo Cenon loved us so much.  He died as a bachelor, had his share of imperfections, but despite it all, he was steadfast in his love for you.  It was amazing how such a man, who never had a child of his own, could give so much of himself for his family and others.

He was in his teens when he started working for a rich Chinese family in the city.  His meager salary working as a merchandiser helped send him to school until he was able to finish his Commerce degree in a prestigious university in the city. 

After finishing college, he continued to work for such Chinese family, serving them well and honestly.  Consequently, he was made as dummy for some of the Chinese family's businesses here and in other provinces.  Nevertheless, Lolo Cenon was honest and never took advantage of his position.  While others(including the family's relatives themselves) took every opportunity to steal from the businesses, Lolo Cenon remained uncorrupt.  He never considered nor allowed any attempt to commit any dishonest act.  he went to serve such family until he retired.

The New Year celebration in our childhood home was the most festive time of the year.  Lolo Cenon, who ironically was afraid of firecrackers, spent thousands and thousands of pesos buying for the rest of the tambays in our barangay to alight when midnight of New Year strikes.  Oftentimes, he would usually be caught hiding in seclusion...enjoying the sound of the booms and the bangs but --under the safety of his bedroom bed. Hahah.. In the morning of New Year, old folks in our neighborhood would queue at our doorstep because Lolo Cenon would thereafter be giving out crisp paper bills (usually 20 or 50 pesos) to them (patterned after the Chinese tradiaiton of giving ampao).

I have so many good memories of Lolo Cenon and I miss him very much.  I miss his stubbornness and his arrogance.  He didn't like seeking help but was always generous to help others.  That's what made him arrogant.  He was stubborn because even after being disgnosed with lung cancer, he continued to smoke and drink.  He even asked me that when I have work and earning already (I just graduated from college when he died), he hopes I'd care to buy him beer and Marlboro.  And no doubt I would if such would be the only thing it'll take to make him happy...

I miss him so much... I pray that he rests in peace.  And that may he whisper to Mama Mary and Papa Jesus to always take care of us... Thank you Lolo Cenon for loving us..

Childhood Toys

This morning, Mama unearthed our first and most lasting childhood toys..

Given to us on June 1982

Me



T



F

D



J

B



Six dolls
for Six Gals

We didn't play much with these when we were kids

These were kept safe inside a glass case

Mama always said someday we'll be grateful

'Coz these dolls were meant to be our little treasures.

Looking back, 29 years thereafter

Mama's words couldn't be truer.

As simple as they seem, but they're darling treasures

Tiny dollies from our childhood --

mute witnesses of our kiddie joys and pleasures.

Surrounded by Blooms..(part 2)

Four Graduations

I have had four graduations,

The first was in highschool

(I did not attend our grad in elementary,

Because of a controversy.)

I eagerly welcomed the future,

Thru a course of which,

I was somewhat unsure.



High School Grad, 1995



The second graduation was in tertiary

Twas when I earned my first degree

Mom and my siblings took pride in me,

Being the eldest, I was eager to help already.



Bachelor's Grad, 1998



And so I became a teacher,

(Although yes, I have yearned to be a lawyer)

I proceeded to become a Master,

To earn more so I can study law later..



And so after years of teaching in the University,

I was awarded my Master's as a faculty,

It was all I had waited so I can proceed,

To studying the course, I yearned for as a kid.





But the only thing I treasure,

Is the gift beyond any measure,

The friends and family I have,

My precious presents from above.

No degree is necessary,

To be loved and to love anybody.

So I may be gone and my name forgotten,

But this world will not have been the same

without probly knowing a girl named, Cheng. =)

Red Letter Day

Today is a red letter day for our family... It is because my second to the youngest sister, J, went up the stage to get her diploma.  She graduates from college finally.  Hers hasn't been an easy journey.  She first enrolled in college in 2001 and took up Hotel and Restaurant Management.  Then, she was subjected to a very difficult test, not in school, but in real life..(but that's a different story).

She went to attend another university to take up a different course, this time, it was in Commerce.  It was the course from which she was to graduate from eventually.  But hers, wasn't going to be a smooth sailing journey towards her bachelor's degree. She decided she'd first get a marriage degree... 

Balancing marriage and motherhood wasn't easy.  So she quit her studies again only to come back to school when her son was two years old.  And every single day she spent in school became a sacrifice.  She relates the reasons that sustained her drive to finish her studies.

One, her son.  She was afraid she's have a hard time convincing her son someday to value his studies if she would choose not to finish hers. 

Two, we, her sisters.  If she didn't finish her studies, she would have to be a holder of two records:  the first amongst us to get married, and the only one amongst us who hasn't finished her studies.

Three, her hubby.  He told her when they got married that they would do whatever it takes to prove to themselves that their union would not hinder them from attaining their dreams (they were highschool sweethhearts).  If she doesn't finish school, it would be tantamount to breaking the pledge they both made with each other when they got married.

Four, grandma's ultimate wish.  J is Mama's (grandaunt) favorite apo.  She broke her heart when she decided to get married without finishing school yet.  But as part of the promise J gave Mama, she will finish school no matter how long it takes.

So the day has come for J to reap her diploma.  We have all looked forward to this.  But for me, being her eldest sister (and having had taken my share in supporting her studies too), I most especially take pride in her accomplishment.  She will be a dear proof that happy endings (in love and studies) aren't remote.  That young loves, highschool sweethearts, puppy loves, can all become true and as a matter of fact, become a springboard for accomplishing dreams.

J and her hubby

Her trophy:  a happy ending forever meant to be



Mom's last daughter to earn a college degree..



I love happy endings.  It happened to them.

Beautiful in his Eyes

I am sobbing. Something deep within my heart is aching

Perhaps some king of a longing. I am not certain.

Then I found this song, its what I hum in my head.

It's all about what I am yearning,

Oh, a terrible craving,

Of being told,

I am beautiful..

atleast in his eyes.

Beautiful in my Eyes

You're my peace of mind, in this crazy world
You're every thing I've tried to find
Your love is a pearl
You're my Mona Lisa
You're my rainbow skies
And my only prayer is that you'll realize
You'll always be beautiful in my eyes...

The world will turn
And the seasons will change
And all the lessons we will learn
Will be beautiful and strange
We'll have our fell of tears
Our share of sighs
My only prayer is that you realize
You'll always be beautiful in my eyes...

You will always be beautiful in my eyes
And the passing years will show
That you will always grow
Ever more beautiful in my eyes

And when there are lines upon my face
From a life time of smiles
When the time comes to embrace
For one long last while
We can laugh about how time really flies
We won't say goodbye
'Cause true love never dies
You'll always be beautiful in my eyes...

You will always be beautiful in my eyes
And the passing years will show
That you will always grow
Ever more beautiful in my eyes

The passing years will show
That you will always grow
Ever more beautiful in my eyes...

Willie made me cry...again.

Willie made me cry again this evening -- in front of our TV.  I dislike him. But I like watching his TV show.  This evening, I chanced upon his Willing Willie where the contestants are children of Filipina mothers and foreigner fathers.  The catch is, these children have been left by their foreigner parents to their Filipina moms.

Yes, the whole thing was mushy.  But what struck me was the statement of an American who was among the audience.  Willie asked him why he was crying too while the children contestants briefly chronicled their life stories...  The American (who is also married to a Filipina) said, "It just makes me sad to see these children being left by their dads. But I just wanna say not all foreigners are like that.  Foreigner or Filipinos, I guess dads have to be dads.  If they can't be with the mother of their children, at least, they should be there for their kids.  By reaching out to them and making them feel they are still there for them, that's what matters most...  I have a 5yr-old daughter and I love her so much.  I would do anything for her."

When his wife was asked, she revealed, that he is not even her daughter's real father.  But he has taken her as his own.  So she thanked him -- for loving her, her daughter, and her entire family...  Then they kissed... right for the whole world to see.


Theirs though was the only "happy" story of the night.  The rest of the six contestants and a few of Willie's dancers revealed an appalling truth about their lives.  Beautiful children left by their fathers -- never to be heard from again.


My dad is among them and I and the rest of my siblings are among those deserted children.  It does hurt.  And for so many times, I admit, it has also become a source of insecurity.  I even remember what Dad's stepmom told me in her letter of long ago (when she found out I was already starting a career), "No decent man from a decent family would want to take someone from a broken family for a wife.  Ask your father to come home so you will no longer belong to a broken home.."  


I am not sure if Lola (God bless her soul) had some kind of a prophetic mind.  The past two serious relationships I had failed due to her premonition.  But yes, I should write about it in a separate post. Sorry. =)


For now, my heart goes to those children left by their fathers...  Those who, like me, had to belong to broken homes -- a truth that they will have to contend with for the rest of their lives.


Meanwhile, I pray their mothers will remain strong the way my Mom held on for us six.  Their journey to parenthood will never be easy.  Not all of them will, like that Filipina now married to an American, meet/find a man with whom they could spend the rest of their forever with but yes, they will eventually have their happy-endings...

Ah, Willie I still hate you.  But yes, watching you made me cry...(**sob**) again. 

(I love happy endings...even if I'm not on them.)

Disclosure

It's been a week but the hurting persists. 

So yes this is a rant.

I can't believe its been that fast, 

but the fact remains, I flunked.

Please bear with me as I lick my wounds, 

the pain's too much to withstand.

I smile but inside, I wish I could hide,

or run to be found be none.

It's been a week today since the results of the bar exams came out.  I know I should be okay by now given the outpouring of love and support of family and friends but... Well, today, I met two people from the past.. A college friend and a college acquaintance.  Both are lawyers.  One is a clerk of court and the other is a prosecutor.  All of a sudden it just dawned on me how poles apart we are..when it used to be that we all had just one dream....

Generally, in our culture, one attains the peak of his/her career in mid-30s.  Those college friends are hence, at the peak of their careers...  while I.. I am here exploring whatever career option remains for me.

No, I don't feel hopeless.  But failure of any kind, especially severe ones (like flunking the bar) can truly dampen one's zest.

I know in due time, I'll get over this stage and be back on track..  In the meantime... I've a life to re-live plan..

Wisdom from the Bar B*tch

I did not pass the bar.  Days after the results came out, this lump in my throat still remains.  I find myself still being ashamed when I look at my face in the mirror knowing that I have wasted one precious year of my life.  By this time, I should have been planning my future already.  But here I am back to square one...scouting for the most sensible law review center available in my area.

In skimming through various webpages that discuss about other people's ordeal (and triumph) over the bar exams, I came across a delightful blog by one who calls herself the "Bar Bitch."  In one of her posts, she made an analysis of bar flunkers and generally, of people who go into law school..

The beauty of being able to say you're in law school.....and later saying that you have a law degree....and then having passed the bar is a whole hell of a lot of external validation.....and don't we all love that? And why not? People will assume you are a smart little fucker before you even open your mouth....just as they will assume you are a bottom dweller who wants to sue the entire free entire free world to line your pockets and figure you are morally bankrupt as well....that is what a lawyer does best right?

I don't need to convince people I'm intelligent, and neither should you, your intellect will likely shine through every time you open your mouth and also in knowing when to keep it shut....if they feel more comfortable challenging me because I haven't been admitted to the bar yet....well so be it....the fact that I haven't succeeded yet can hardly erase all the success I've enjoyed up to this point....it doesn't change the fact that I am still am bright, capable and a good debater....

Passing the bar will will mean nothing if we have no faith in our selves prior to that point......if you feel worthless without that validation of your ability, there is some serious trouble I suspect......I guess what I'm saying here is that none of has all the answers....and it's always ok to be honest enough to own up to that.....some of the most intelligent people I know are comfortable saying, I don't know the answer, but I can find out for you....

I thought her openness is just awesome.  And every word she uttered rang very true.  I just love "external validation."  Who doesn't?  I saw myself as an "underdog" when I entered law school.  I was "old" (since most of my classmates were young, fresh graduates of their pre-law), "dumb" for having had a hard time always deciphering what those SCRA cases were all about, "poor" for not being able to afford those very expensive law books (hence I had to thrive on machine copies of those).. 

Dwelling in those which shrunk my self-esteem, I have forgotten to cherish my other blessings.  Yes, I have had my share of glorious successes in the past. Which is why my Mom thinks this failure did not make me less... Still, I have to grapple with self-esteem issues.  The awareness that at one point or another, someone somewhere is laughing at my failure is enough to render me weak and unmotivated.  How about all those years of enormous struggle?  Have they all gone to waste?

But the Bar B*tch was right.  There isn't any need for me to convince anyone that I am intelligent.  What matters is I should be able to say/write the right thing when necessary -- or, as she said, "know when to keep my mouth shut."  No amount of success can appease a discontented soul.  One success will only lead to more dissatisfaction.

I still keep thinking about those lines from the novena booklet on "detachment."  Oh how true indeed... Our greater and more important quest should be that journey towards self-acceptance...and detachment.  Then, and only then, can we be truly at peace with ourselves. =)

I did not Pass the Bar Exams (but I'm fine!) =)

I did not pass the bar exams in my first attempt -- but yes, I am fine!

I was among the 88 students from my law school who took the September 2010 bar exams.  Of the 88, only one passed, an accountant whose a repeater herself.  Of the 31 who were my classmates in review, only one made it as well.  She is also a repeater.  None of the eleven people who were dorm-mates when I was taking the bar also made it. Not one.

So how come I am fine even after I flunked?

Being a lawyer is a childhood dream.  But my journey towards the perfection of that dream, I realized, can't be easy.

I entered law school immediately after finishing my Masters in 2006.  Prior to that, I took the law school admission test in 2005 (thinking I could juggle finishing my Master's thesis and first year in law school at the same time).  I topped he test and thought it was a positive sign.  I thought law school would be such a breeze.

I was a fulltime college instructor by day and a fultime law student at night.  Such was my life - and yes, could not believe how I managed to finish my law degree in such a set-up.  I went to my law classes barely having skimmed through the pages of my law books.  I have embarassed myself a few times after being asked to recite something which was totally alien to me considering I have not read a single provision from the assigned articles/cases.  

Looking back, I know I should have taken my studies seriously. Afterall, I was chasing a childhood dream.  By neglecting the important stages of my quest to lawyer-hood, I paved my way to failure.  And there were many other factors which contributed to my "doom."

I am a product of mediocre school systems where most of my classmates were also well, uhm, mediocre. Not that it is bad considering I come from the lower-middle class segment of the society.  But for one, there's a HUGE difference between triumphing a tough battle such as the bar exams for graduates of an overpopulated, ill-equipped, substandard law institutions in the province and those of respected, renowned, tough, lading, and expensive law schools in Manila.

In first and second year, we have spent much of our law classes in drinking sprees instead of the classroom.  Law professors hardly attended our classes, if they did, the lectures would become less satisfying, and exams were NEVER returned.  There were many times I "protested" being a faculty member myself of the same university but, I was also mindful of the fact that law professors are lawyers.  They were not trained to become teachers.  Hence, they cannot be expected to exert as much reverence for law education, or compassion for their students as much as us, "teaching-oriented" teachers.

Our law professors, I realized, taught us the way they were also taught (very much like parenting the way they were parented).  And so in retrospect, I would like to believe they did what they could in their limited capacity.  Some of them were brilliant.  Others, even exceptional.  But they all had one common denominator:  they all hoped we would become lawyers.  I know..finding out none from our batch passed this year's bar exams also brought them despair.  Trouble is, they could have helped us prevent this.. If only..

A lawyer cousin who's also a daughter of a lawyer did advise me sometime in the past to either quit my present job or minimize my load in lawschool.  She told me it was necessary so I could give more focus on my studies.  I never debated with her because, (**sigh**) I also thought I was a wonder woman.. One who was capable of multi-tasking and yet succeed.  In addition, my economic state screamed attention.  I could not forego a career which paid for my lawschool tuition and books in exchange for something as uncertain as surviving lawschool (and the bar exams eventually).

On a serious note, I am blessed.  Failing to pass the bar has enabled me to realize how many people love me. Now, I have more reason to persevere.  There will always be detractors -- people who will judge me for being this and that -- for being a flunker (Ouch!).  In fact, there;s a lot of them.  Out of a hundred percent, I think there's about 80% of them or maybe even 90%?  But yes, how can I afford to dismiss the remaining 20% (or 10% for that matter) who continue to believe in me?  How can I put down these people's faith in me?

So to them who continue to believe in me, thank you.  I did not pass the bar exams but because of your faith, love, and support in me, I am still fine. =)

Novena in Honor of St. Joseph: NINTH DAY

(Disclaimer:  I am NOT taking credits for this. The text herein come from a 40-page novena booklet I purchased from St. Paul Bookstore where no author was indicated.  Undertaking the novena has enabled me to come across these beautiful reflections which I would like to share.  It is hence my hope that another soul might find inspiration from the virtues exemplified by the life of. St. Joseph)

NOTE:  These are the text in their entirety.  Emphasis were supplied by me. Please click on images for better/ clearer view.

DETACHMENT--

"What does it profit a man if he gains the whole world and suffer the loss of his own soul?"

DETACHMENT meant for St. Joseph that he could center his thoughts and affections on things Divine.  Detachment meant for St. Joseph that he was not enulfed in worldly affairs, that after his work in the carpenter shop, he could have the rest of the time for thoughts and conversations on things Divine.  He was detached from riches because of his poverty which he loved; he was detached from honors because of his humility which saved him the agony and tribulation of those who aspire to hear the applause of men.  He was detached, beacuse of his chastity from those more terrific temptations against purity.

Detachment from earthly affairs kept St. Joseph with his interests in Heaven, and his exile on earth was simply a precious enjoyment of the celestial joys reserved for those who do the will of God in this life.


REFLECTION

What of your detachment from things of this earth?  Are you regulating your life so thatg you can truly say that your thoughts are centered upon things Divine?  Are you engulfed in pleasures that never satisfy?  Are you keen to hear your praises sung knowing that those flatteries cause afterall, more pain than joy?  Are you ambitious, knowing that ambition makes us uneasy, makes us dissatisfied with oput rpesent state and simply drives us from one condition to another as a storm might blow a small piece of paper from place to place?  Are you detached, at least in the sense that you value hevenly treasures more than worldly awards?  Are you detached in that you canm concentrate upon your eternal destriny using earthly things in proportion as you need them, yetnever allowing yourself to become a slave of honors, of ambition, of vanity, of the more base sins that our nature is heir to?  Are you detached so that if God called you as He called the rich young man, "Come follow Me," you could, as the apostles, "leave all things" and realize your vocation, if such were your good fortune?

Prayer

O St. Joseph, make me understand the excellence of poverty.  Grant that I may enter into the interior dispositions which animated thee in regard to that virtue.  Disclose to me the snarest of riches, the dangers which are attached to them, the solicitude which they engender.

Make me understand how much God favors us, when He refuses us riches, since He furnishes us a precious occasion to detach us from ourselves and from creatures, and to increase our merit for Heaven.  Amen.

Novena in Honor of St. Joseph: EIGHTH DAY

(Disclaimer:  I am NOT taking credits for this. The text herein come from a 40-page novena booklet I purchased from St. Paul Bookstore where no author was indicated.  Undertaking the novena has enabled me to come across these beautiful reflections which I would like to share.  It is hence my hope that another soul might find inspiration from the virtues exemplified by the life of. St. Joseph)

NOTE:  These are the text in their entirety.  Emphasis were supplied by me. Please click on images for better/ clearer view.

OBEDIENCE

"The sheep hear My voice, and I know them and they follow Me." (-John 10,27)

OBEDIENCE was an integral part of the life of the foster-father of Jesus.  When the angel informed him as to the real condition of the Virgin Mary, St. Joseph was obedient and did not fear to take Mary as his wife.  When the law ordered that Mary, the expectant Mother, be brought a long distance to be enrolled in a census, St. Joseph obeyed.  When again the angel told St. Joseph to conduct the young mother and the new born Child to Egypt and remain there, though it involved two long years away from home, St. Joseph was obedient.

And same virtue of obedience was so manifested in the life of Jesus Who accepted the commands of Joseph, who accepted the counsels of the Blessed Mother.  St. Joseph saw this obedience of the Divine Child to creature and his own love of this virtue was deepened.  St. Joseph saw Christ from the first moment obedient to the law of nature; he saw Christ obedient to His parents and he knew that Christ was to be obedient unto death, even unto the death of the Cross.

REFLECTION
Of your obedience, it is not merely formal but is it wholehearted?  Do you accept the commands of your superiors and follow them out to the best of your ability?  Do you encourage this virtue in others, in the young especially, so as to better prepare them for life, to make their characters more receptive to the influence of grace?  Are you obedient to your parents, knowing that God has placed them over you, appreciating, too, that they have given you your life, have sacrificed much for you, have prayed and hoped that you would be true and faithful?  In your obligations to the Church, are you obedient, following the precepts, the warnings and counsels to avoid serious sin?  Are you obedient to the graces God may be giving you, perhaps the inestimable grace of a vocation of being a priest, brother or sister?

Prayer

O St. Joseph so faithful to display in thy conduct the o0bedience of Jesus and Mary, obtain for me this important virtue.
Obtain for me a perfect docility of heart to accomplish the will of God, and that of those who replaces Him.  Inspire me  by your example, to obey, with promptness and generosity; obtain for me above all, the grace to obey without murmuring, without reasoning upon the orders given me, in spite of every pretext, and with an entire immolation of my own will.  Amen.

Novena in Honor of St. Joseph: SEVENTH DAY

(Disclaimer:  I am NOT taking credits for this. The text herein come from a 40-page novena booklet I purchased from St. Paul Bookstore where no author was indicated.  Undertaking the novena has enabled me to come across these beautiful reflections which I would like to share.  It is hence my hope that another soul might find inspiration from the virtues exemplified by the life of. St. Joseph)

NOTE:  These are the text in their entirety.  Emphasis were supplied by me. Please click on images for better/ clearer view.